32. If You're lgbtq+ Do You Still Have to Ask Your Partner's Parents for Permission?

As I join along with the rest of the lgbtq+ couples that are either engaged or about to be engaged, it has me thinking about all of the various traditions of engagements, wedding and marriage and questioning what rules apply to us? I hope you'll listen along to hear some of the thoughts of my audience and share their own personal experiences of what they did and how they chose that.
Happy New Year Everyone, I will see you in 2024 for more Queerly Beloved Content!

The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic

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Transcript

Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone): 0:42

Clearly beloved. Oh, Welcome back to this week's episode. It's your host Ana and owner of wildly connected. Targety. I am so excited to be with you all this week, because it is the last episode of 2023, which is insane because that means that I've had this podcast for just about a year now. Aye. Yeah. I never thought that I was going to be a podcast host. But yeah, this year has just been. So, so amazing. So I just wanted to start with a quick recap of the year before diving into this week's episode. So. Over the past year, over 1600 of you have listened to the podcast. From 60 different cities, both east and west coast. And we also have listeners in Europe, Asia, and Australia. And I think it's important just to know, like the biggest takeaways and the most downloaded episodes. So. The episodes that were most listened to and shared. We're why every wedding should be a little queer and queer alternatives to heteronormative wedding traditions. Which I feel like that. Those are just big wins because that's the whole purpose of this podcast. Of course there's been branching into other areas too, as using the podcast as a means for us to connect with one another and learn from another. But I'm just so excited to see that those episodes got so many downloads and. I just, I hope that continues. So if you want to revisit those episodes, please do. Or if you have not yet listened to those episodes. Highly recommend going back to the first couple of episodes and giving them a listen. And outside of that, I just wanted to say a big, thank you. I know in this day and age, there's so many podcasts, like so many you can open up. Spotify or apple podcasts and you'll get like 12 million different recommendations for you. And. Honestly, I'm a big podcast, girly. I listened to a lot, so I know that there's a lot of content. Out there and a lot of things too. Be listening to, and I'm just so grateful for everybody that takes the time to listen to this and. For those of you that listen every week as well. Just, it means a lot. And. Honestly. Yeah, this podcast is just turning out better than I could've ever imagined. It's been such a cool opportunity. To just act as a means of connection with. People in the industry, people outside of the industry, it's opened the door for so many cool conversations that happen both on air and off air. And it's just been so, so great. So. Truly thank you to. Everybody who listens. It means the world. And I hope that you will continue to listen in 2024 and continue sharing episodes. When I see people sharing them and talking about the episode that just. My as my whole day makes my whole week. So, keep doing that and we are going to dive right into this week's episode. So I'm sure you'll be able to tell. By the title of the episode, but this episode is all about. Asking your partners, parents for quote unquote, permission to marry their child. So recently, as many of, maybe some don't know that I've joined the ranks of other LGBTQ couples who are thinking about all things. Marriage and wedding and engagement and actually being in those shoes, it gives me a lot of things to think about and think through a lot of questions and processes. And things like that. So the question is like, if you're a queer, what do you do about the whole, do I have to ask my partner's parents for their hand in marriage? Like. Yeah. Seems like a gray area. So. I will start. Out by personally saying that this is not something that my partner and I did. And that's because I don't have contact with my parents and. With her parents, it just honestly would have been weird and probably would have turned out for the worse. So. It's not something that we personally did or walked through. And so. I'm actually rerecording this episode because I really wanted to get insight from those of you in the community to share your experiences, your thoughts on it. But before I dive into that, I did just want to lay the groundwork for this whole conversation. Right. Because now it's It's a thing, but where did that thing come from? And. So essentially. This tradition is. Does go back a very long way. And it's. It's basically a tied to women being seen as a form of property. And essentially there needed to be a deal or dowery or something along those lines negotiated between two men to figure out if the marriage was suitable. And just a lot of themes of essentially making sure that the daughter was going to be taken care of and protected and cherish and all of that, which. Even just those seams on their own, I think can be seen as a little bit outdated. Right. Because. It's a partnership for a reason. There shouldn't necessarily be. Somebody in the relationship that is above the other and therefore needs to solely defend that person. Right. So there's a lot of things about this tradition that. Around way far back that. Do have some pretty mess up ties just in terms of. Nowadays it's very much seen as like a gesture, right? Like it's a gesture of respect to the parents. Some people may see it as like romantic or. That kind of thing, but it hasn't always just been a gesture. And I do think that. While. Mostly here in America. It's the gesture. I do think that they're still faith communities and very traditional cultures and practices that see it more as. Requirement. Or very strongly suggested. So. All that assist say, like, I just wanted to give a refresh on like where this whole question is even coming from. Because. Yeah, it's been going on for a long time. So. With all of that in mind, I wanted to ask you all what your experience and thoughts were on it. And, oh my goodness. You all have some thoughts? Like, I think. Out of all the things I've asked and shared on my social channels. Like this is something that has by far gotten one of the most. Just like biggest responses because. Yeah. And it's very clear that everybody has. Very much like different experiences, their own perspective on it. So I'm going to go through and read some of y'all's responses. Just to keep everything super anonymous. I'm not going to say names or pronouns. I'm just going to keep everything super read some of both sides and then we'll go from there. So. Are gonna start out with. For contacts. We both proposed, we each spoke with each other's families ahead of time, but more so told them our proposal ideas and asked what they thought of our plans instead of asking permission. They were all thrilled for us. When I talked to their dad, it was the first time I saw him cry. Happy tears. The idea of asking permission as if we were our parents' property, you really didn't jive with us. So we felt good about going about it in this way. I think that's super cool. Essentially saying that like, We were more so like, asserting like, Hey, this is going to happen. But if you would like to be involved and have ideas, I'm all ears. So. Love that. We also have Nope. Blank told their parents it was coming. And I didn't say anything until after we discussed it and it just didn't feel right. We'd both met each other's families, but asking for permission, felt like it was taking away from our own agency. So I think there's like quite a few messages like this, the idea of like taking away from your own agency, which I'm also like, yeah. So much power to you all like. At the end of the day. It is just you too, and I'm hoping that's the world that we're living in now, or you're creating as we speak of. It's, it is a partnership between the two of you or, potentially other people if you're in a non-monogamous relationship, but. So I'll just read a couple other responses along those same lines of Nope. We had discussed it and felt like in archaic tradition and not important to us. Also, no, my fiance is no one's preoperative property and they can make their own decisions. So. Like I said, lots of strong opinions, lots of different ideas. No, but I considered it. I asked my partner what they wanted and they said no to the tradition. So I love that too. I think. That's a really common theme here too, is that it really seems like a point of discussion, which I just think is really cool. Whereas. In the past, it was just assumed like, Okay, well, You can't even really ask me what I think is you got to talk to my dad first. Like, no, I think it's super, super cool that you all are, have been discussing it. And I think that's the biggest thing, right? Let's read a couple of other ones here. Got just a bunch of just no or no periods. And then we got a, we gave notice as a couple, but I didn't ask individually because it would have been a no from the parents, which. This is the same with me. So I feel, yeah. So throw out there. We also have a, because of my past with my career relationships and my family, I asked my partner not to ask. We didn't, we thought that this is our private relationship and the only person I really needed to ask is them. So. Yeah, I think there's definitely lots of themes of that. Just so like it's between us, it's something that like, We discussed and it wasn't a tradition. That felt applicable or enjoyable for us. However, I did also want to share some of the responses that were on the opposite, just because. I think it's really great to see and hear from both sides. So. A couple of, you said yes, I asked. Both parents. And we had a super meaningful conversation. So, again, even that is like a super simple thing of being like, Hey, I want to talk to both parents and not just make this like a dad thing. Like. Dad owning. Daughter, like, yeah, I think that's. That's a super cool way to change the tradition. We also have a. I did. It just felt right for me to do so, not to be traditional, but just so happy that we did. I did. I centered the conversation on future plans and my why of marrying her. So, I mean, Again, like, I think that's really cool if you can. Obviously like there is an element here of. Parents caring for children and wanting them to be happy and feel taken care of in a relationship. So I think that is. If we're keeping a general, that's like a super great thing, right? Just. Wanting to make sure that your kids are taken care of. And if that's what it's about and. You talked to both parents and it can be that way. That's awesome. I love that. There's also a couple of people just basically being like my partner plans on asking and asks that I asked their parents. Yes, it just felt right to me. I told them I had to come over to discuss birthday plans, but I lied. I love that. Yes. We have another, yes. I asked permission of all the immediate family. I think that's actually really cute. Like. I feel like that's more so just like, Hey, like, I want to be in your life and I want to be in their life for forever. And like, is it cool if I joined your family? I think that's super cute. I love that. There's another one. That's kinda like my fans, they asked but more so gave them the heads up as to what was happening. I can really appreciate that too. Like if your family is cool and supportive, but don't necessarily want to have that conversation, I feel like just. Letting them know as a cool way for them to still feel like involved and they get to feel like they're in, on the secret without it having to be a conversation centered around permission. Last one I wanted to share was, I did ask my partner's parents, but I think this stems from my own culture being Mexican. So again, that's super awesome. Like if it's something that is. Part of you and like part of culture that is amazing. Especially if, again, it feels like something that can. Maybe just feel more neutral or more family members are involved. I think that's super, super great. So. Thank you all so much for sharing your insights and your own personal experiences with me. I think it's so insightful to learn from all of you and. Yeah, that's the gist of this podcast. Like there's no way for there to be one right or wrong answer here. I think that the biggest thing is that this tradition just really means to fully shift away from there being any kind of ownership. Like, or a transferring of ownership. That's just, that needs to go because I think that's harmful and. I would hope that people entering into a marriage. Feel like their own individual people who are capable of making their own healthy decisions for them. So I think the biggest thing is that. For those who still want to participate and. Kind of honor that tradition, maybe just think about ways that it can feel shifted away from that power dynamic or the dynamics of. Permission and more so being like, Hey, we want to be in each other's lives. Like, is it cool if I join along with your family? But I think at the end of the day, it's really up to you as a couple. I think it's something that really. Needs to be discussed ahead of time because how your partner feels about that is super important too, right? You wouldn't want to go talk to their parents behind their back without them knowing. And it ended up being. Something that they really didn't want either to, and So the biggest thing is I think just shifting in a way from any kind of property or ownership and maybe just more so. In a mutual invitation to each other and maybe just letting the parents feel that special moment of getting to know that their child is about to be super happy and. Things like that. So, that is all I have for you. If you have not yet talked to your partner about this maybe I'll can have a fun little chat after this, then. Check in with each other, but I think it's just something really interesting to think about because we are so far removed from that time period where. It was an actual requirement and a dowery and all of that. That is the last episode of 2023, which is insane. But. Thank you again so much for listening, for joining along with me this past year, I'm wishing you all a fantastic new years. Stay safe, make a choices. And I. I will see you all. In 2024.