Queerly Beloved
Queerly Beloved
34. The Difference Between Being "LGBTQ friendly" and "Affirming LGBTQ Love"
Does a slight word change really matter? I don't think it will really make a difference.
WRONG! This is about so much more than just words- it goes beyond that and shows more about your mindset for queer couples and says so much about how you're willing to truly stand up for couples vs. just be friendly.
I hope you'll give it a listen!
The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic
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Really beloved. Welcome back to this week's episode. I hope everyone has been doing well. And that you had a lovely Valentine's day. If you celebrate that with. Friends or loved ones or your partner? Yeah. Hope it's been a wonderful February for you. I am just returning from spending like 10 or 11 days in beautiful Guatemala, which was just. So insanely beautiful and so pretty. I got to hike a volcano, like an active volcano, which is wild. And Yeah, it was just absolutely beautiful, but I'm really excited to be back and have some really great episodes coming up. So. I'm not gonna lie all. This episode has taken me a long time to figure out. And to actually do the work to record and release it because. First of all. I think it's just been tricky for me to find the words to actually. Put this and a podcast format that is cohesive and makes sense. But I think that part of it is because. I think there's some things about this topic that I really don't know that I can fully put into words. It just is something that hasn't sat right with me. And like, gives me a little bit of the, if you will. But I think the other reason that it's taken a while is because every time I started thinking about it, I would sort of get into my head in. Sir to kind of get anxious about the reaction to it. Which. I feel that way about a lot of things that I discuss on this podcast and on my page. Because it isn't always met with the best reactions. But it was just one of those things where. And my brain, I could see people being like really, like, you want to do a whole podcast episode about. Like a small word change or like the difference in words and kind of just. You know, having this idea of like, oh, You know, they always just want more. Nothing's ever good enough for them. They always. We'll have to play the victim card. And I don't know, I was just having all these ideas in my head and shirt. There might be some people who think that but I'm here because it is my passion too, to make the wedding industry better than I found it. And to make the worlds. Better and even just a tiny, small way. And I think that this episode truly does go beyond just word changes. But I think that it reflects a change in people's mindsets and it's something that by making small changes like this, like it's really important and it's. Making changes like this, that add up and that helped the queer community actually truly thrive and not just exist. I also thought it was really important to. Before I fully dive in to the entirety of the episode to just acknowledge. That maybe I do have a little bit of bias in. Talking about this topic because. As I've mentioned in previous episodes, I did grow up as a pastor's kid. I grew up. Very religious and then a very, very conservative community. And I think just that. Having that background and having that being my experience as far as over and over and over and over again, hearing the message of like, Hating the sin, not the center, or you can love the love the center, but not their sin. You know, whatever variation of that. And that kind of going hand in hand with the concept of like, We were very much taught that if we were to ever encounter a homosexual, that we were supposed to be nice to them. It's just that we weren't supposed to do. Anything or say anything that might make him think that we quote unquote, come down their behavior. So that's just like a very long disclaimer. To that is my personal bias. However, I think that. Some of that is where like the root of this issue stems from, because. I know that for people who are not in the queer community, they might be like, oh, well, you know, saying that you're LGBTQ friendly. Is like. It's good. And it's bright and yes. Well, we'll get to all of that. But I think I just want to acknowledge that there is some tricky history with that. Like, A lot of times that phrase or, or saying things similar can trigger a reaction. And me and I know other people who've had similar experiences to be like, okay, but what does that really mean? Like, are you actually being friendly and nice to me? Or do you have a hidden agenda? Like. Do you secretly or not. So secretly hope that I change. And so I think that's really important to acknowledge, and I guess I've kind of already introduced the topic without really introducing the topic, but. Today we are talking about the differences between being LGBTQ friendly versus celebrating and affirming. LGBTQ love. And. Really the point of this episode, it's not to discount the use or, or say that saying LGBTQ friendly is like the hat and boss, miss. Yes. And that has to go, no, that's not my point at all. Like. I think. Even in having conversations with others about this topic. I've really realized that there is a place for that. There's a place. For saying LGBTQ friendly, you know, there's like signs up that say that. And especially from like an SEO, Google, like searching standpoint, 100%, there's absolutely a place for that phrase. And I think it serves its purpose really well. Or even if someone's like on a website and they're kind of just quickly scanning, like they're likely quickly scanning to see if it says LGBTQ friendly or something on, on the site or business. So absolutely you want to acknowledge that? And also want to acknowledge that words, words are important and words matter. And I think that we're always learning and growing and that's the focus of this episode is like, how can we be just a little bit better? How can we just make these small shifts that add up over time? And I actually visited my friend, Miriam Webster. And looked up. Some definitions that I wanted to share, because I think. I could probably honestly even just end the episode after sharing the definitions, because I think they really get the point across. But. So starting out the definition of affirm. Is to state as a fact. Assert strongly and publicly. And offer someone emotional support or encouragement. Okay. So that's the definition of affirm. The definition of friendly is kind and pleasant. You tell me which one that you would rather have on your wedding day? Who would you trust more? Because I think as I mentioned earlier, And this episode really, I think does tie into, to a mindset shifts. And going beyond just what words. Are you're using. But the mindset shift of like, This language, I think really. Shows potential couples or a client's like a level of trust. for example, I think a lot of examples that come to mind in this conversation, maybe like, Very extreme or like, Don't actually. Reflect the situation, but it just for, hold on with me for a second. So for thinking about like, Not just this as a conversation of like, Using LGBTQ friendly versus a different word, but instead of a conversation, as far as. Displaying trust and building trust with clients. Thinking about it as like, Okay. So you're at a coffee shop. You're waiting for your morning coffee. Maybe you spark up a conversation. With someone waiting in line who's, you know, smiling at you and very friendly and it's pleasant conversation. Great. Like, you know, there are friendly person. But. Would you then automatically trust them to like, hold your bag while you go to the bathroom or something. I mean, I wouldn't, maybe you would. I don't, I don't know you, but. I know that's maybe like, Not the best example in the world, but I think I'm just using it to show the point of like, Just because someone's friendly. Doesn't automatically mean that you can trust them. And I think that's kind of the bigger conversation here. And so. In my mind. Like again, It is a struggle to put words to this because. It feels sort of like mental. Dissonance. To be like, Seeing LGBTQ friendly. Just gives me the egg, like, no, but I think, I think over time, seeing that were tossed around more. First of all, when it's like in all the wedding groups and things that I'm in. And obviously makes me sad from the get-go that people have to like, put that as a disclaimer, like. People have to say, like, you must be LGBTQ friendly. But for some reason, like seeing it over and over and over again over time, it's really starting to make me be like, okay, well, what does that mean? Like, what does it mean? Like what, what in your brain. Are you thinking when you're saying that. Because I think in my mind, again, maybe like blown out of proportion. But like being LGBTQ friendly, I envision that as like, Doing what's good and expected, but it still feels. Like kind of surface level and like there's room for growth. I'm picturing someone that well, Show about your wedding day and they will smile and they will be nice. And. Maybe they'll, you know, take good photos or, or do good floral arrangements, whatever it might be. But. And the end of the day, it sort of just feels like. Like they were there. Like. They just kind of did the job and then. That was it. Whereas in my mind, when I'm picturing, celebrating and affirming LGBTQ love. It feels like something that displays like going the extra mile and showing your true intentions. And I also see it as like an active form of inclusivity, like. Not just passively saying. Like I'm okay with this. But it almost feels like an active display. Like it's a more. Active word. In my mind, like I'm picturing someone showing up to a wedding and like they're so pumped. They're hyped. They're energized. There are someone who really adds to the day by like asking questions or not asking questions. Cause I think we know sometimes. The wrong questions get asked or just like doing the little things throughout the day, that really makes the couple feel like seen and truly celebrated. Right. I think it's just that like next step. Above that showing where someone's at that showing that someone has done the work mentally and their own lives to. To be at that place where they can. Truly show up for couples like that. Because I think. I think too, in, in talking about words, especially a word, like celebrate, like. I don't know, especially in this context, I feel like it's kind of a bold word, like to celebrate something or someone. Like it's a bold move. It shows that you truly and deeply care and want them to know. Like you, you, you want to know them better in order to celebrate them better. Right. Like if you're asked to plan. Someone's birthday party and you don't know them that well. Yeah. I'm sure you could. Throw them a party that is. Good and probably has good cake and whatnot, but like, If you truly and deeply know them and like did the work to understand who they are and their background and. What like where they come from and what they love and who they love. Like. That party is going to be the best party of the year and maybe there's cookies instead of cake, because, you know, that's what they like. And. It just shows that level of wanting to understand someone. And, and showing up in that way. And so. I don't know for me personally, like someone in the community, like if I were to see that kind of verbiage, like being affirming and celebrating, like I'm instantly taking a deep breath and like relaxing and being like, cool, like. Not only do I know that I'm safe, but like I will be taking care of and Be able to feel like my true, authentic self in those spaces. And I want to continue to say and reiterate throughout this podcast. That I'm not at all, like trying to bash on people. That have LGBTQ friendly, like on their site, like. You were not a bad person. You were not like. And bad for doing that. And I'm sure that so many of you that have that, like, that doesn't mean. You've done a bad job. I'm sure you've done an amazing job at queer weddings. I just want to continue to talk about the differences. As I see them as a way to spark conversation and spark growth and just kind of keep growing overall as a community in next week's episode, we're actually going to continue this conversation in regards to what it means to actually celebrate in the firm career love talking about specifics and actionable things. Cause I think that's really huge too. Like. Not just saying that you celebrate queer love, but actually showing up and doing it. And I think the thing I'll just mention now is like, I hope that's really reflected. In your portfolio. And your website and the kind of work you do. And in the ways that you show up show up as yourself and show up in client meetings and show up on client's wedding days and all of that, like. How are you showing up? I'm just really hoping that everybody who's listening can take time to sort of just do like a mental checklist and seeing like, Okay. Have I actually really took time to like, think about this or is it something that I just like, kind of put on my site and like hoped for the best. Which is great too. Like, we all need to take like one step at a time. Baby steps are great. Like, that's amazing. But like, I just want everybody to keep through things like. What does it mean to actually celebrate queer love? Like what does it mean to show up like that? And. Not just say that you're friendly and you'll be nice and, and I'm sure to write job, but how can you take that one step further? And so I like to, to end by, by offering the alternative. Of, I think that we should switch to saying LGBTQ affirming versus LGBTQ friendly. I think it's a super simple and easy change that if we can all collectively start doing that, making that shift. Especially those that actually really truly mean it and that want that, and that want to go above and beyond. Like, I think it'll catch on. And if the more we do that, the more SEO will catch on and all those other things, because for me, Knowing that like, I could go to someone's site and know that if they say LGBTQ affirming, It means that they're saying they are stating as a fact. And asserting strongly and publicly that they, they love my love. They love who I am. And there's no, there's no room for question. And they're going to be someone that will offer emotional support or encouragement. Like amazing. I love that I want that. I want more of it. Versus like someone who's just going to be nice to me. Like. I don't know, even though we're a nice feels kind of like a gray area, like. What does it mean to be nice? Versus someone who like, again, as the definition says, they stated as a fact, like there is no room for question about like what they think about me or my quote, unquote lifestyle. Like. There's none of that. They are going to assert strongly and publicly. Like they are willing. They are willing to put themselves out there too. And I think that that is such a connection of trust right then and there by, by saying that that's where you're at mentally that's what's in your business practice. That's how you'll show up for them on the day I digress. That is my practical suggestion and my hope for the future is that. This goes beyond just those words. Right? My practical suggestion is that we change from saying LGBTQ friendly to instead saying LGBTQ affirming. But it does go beyond just those words. Right? It's an entire mental mind shift. And just the kind of energy you're putting out there and it's really taking a stand, I think, versus just. Saying that there'll be nice.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-3:I'm sure. One final thing here. I wanted to also talk to you. Any of the couples that might be listening here. I just hope. That you can walk away from this, knowing that there are people out there who really do want that who want to go above and beyond. Who want to actually celebrate you? Who want to take that bold affirming? Action to make you feel seen and supported. And I just want to say to that, like you deserve that, like you deserve to have vendors that make you feel seen and supported and celebrated. And to not just have to have people that do the bare minimum and say, okay, I guess like, You know, I'm okay with this kind of thing, or I've never done one before, so let me try it out. Like, no, I want the couples here to know that. You deserve the best and in all things in life, but especially on your wedding day. And to just encourage you that there are people out there like that. And. Well, yes, it's unfortunate that it could take you some extra time and some extra mental fortitude to have to sift through everybody. And. Do vibe checks on everyone and this, that, and the other, like, I just, I want to affirm you. Uh, that there are people out there for you and. Yes, I'm biased, but I happen to be one of them. So reach out any time. Um, But, yeah, I really just, I didn't want to end this episode without saying that, that you deserve the best you deserve to be celebrated. And you deserve to have people that are doing the work. Both with you and for you, and also behind the scenes to really show up. In a way that supports you. So I hope, I hope that encourages you a little bit.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-2:That is all I have for you this week. Thank you so much for listening. I'm really curious to see and hear what all of you are thinking. So if you would share this to your story is, and maybe spark conversations with other people, or if you have thoughts, please feel free to reach out to me anytime at wildly connected photo on Instagram. And I hope that you will tune in again next week where we kind of talk in our, we talk through actual practical things on what it means to actually celebrate and affirm queer love. Clearly beloved, thank you for gathering here with me today, and I hope you all have an amazing. Morning day, evening, wherever you might be. And I will see you all next week.