38. Why Tradition is Actually Important for Queer Weddings

This week's episode is discussing how "tradition" plays a role in lgbtq+ weddings- but probably not in the way you're thinking :) Instead, it's discussed as an act of celebration for the queer community.
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Clearly a beloved. Welcome back to this week's episode. Hi. Hello. It's your host Ana. She her pronouns and I am the owner of wildly connected photography. And I'm so happy that we are gathering here today, too. Listen and learn and relate and just hang out. I don't think I have too many updates for you all other than. I just setting up that whole like Spotify questions slash poll thing. So I'm going to set one of those out for this episode. So I would love if you would go put your 2 cents into whatever, I still have not decided what the question is going to be. It's going to be a surprise for all of us. But if you want to go ahead and. And answer that. I think it would be just like a fun way for this. Podcast to feel more like a community and. Yeah. I just love hearing what y'all have to say about this. Speaking of what you all have to say about things. And one of the last episodes where I mentioned that document that basically like laid out the language of why I feel that. You know, for so long, there's been this idea of like, you can be nice to someone, but not really accept them. A lot of you did ask to see that document. Indeed. Indeed. So. It is kind of helpful, you know, I think sometimes it feels sort of affirming again. Ha ha pun intended. Just to be able to see those things in black and white, even though it's like a harmful something it's like, oh, okay. No, I'm not just like making these things up in my mind. Like people do actually. I write these things down, like put them out into the world of like, yeah, we're going to me. We're going to be nice to gay people, but we don't actually like accept them. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I think, I think it does. So we'll go with that. This week's episode though. I feel like it does kind of in a way. I don't know. I feel like I've sort of just accidentally made this into a, sort of like a little mini series just about. The importance of being LGBTQ plus affirming. And the reason I say that is because this week we're talking about why tradition actually matters for queer couples in the wedding space. And the reason that I feel like it kind of applies to everything else is like, it's so important for people to keep showing up. And to keep being affirming and all of the things that come with that. Because for so many of us for so long, like we didn't think that this would be an option. That marriage would be an option for us. And even before that, that things like even just having a relationship or living together would be an option, you know? It's been less than 10 years since it's been fully legalized, like KRAS the U S obviously a little bit longer in different states, but like, Less than 10 years for like the entire us. And that is wild like that. You know, it was my lifetime and said probably a lot of our lifetimes for those listening, like. It's a very, very new concept to be able to think that marriage is a possibility. And before I kind of keep diving into that. I just want to say, first of all, I just find it quite ironic that. You know, when I'm preparing these episodes and doing research and thinking about them. There's so many wedding traditions that are like, like, if you like, just go on Google and look at old wedding traditions, like so many of them have to do with like chasing away evil spirits or. Making sure that nothing bad happens to the couple and all of that, which in my mind, It's, you know, it's a dark joke, but in my mind, I'm like, whoa. We're out of evil. So like, you know, what do we got to find out? Like those traditions don't apply. Ha ha. Jokes jokes, jokes, and we're obviously not evil. We are all amazing humans, a part of this community. I just think that's very interesting. So I wanted to talk about. Why tradition matters for a couple of reasons. The first one mean what I've already mentioned of just that. It's something that we never thought was possible. Even for me. At this point, I know many of you have heard glimpses into my past, but growing up. As a pastor's kid. And going to a private Christian high school. Not only was it top that. Having a quote, unquote homosexual lifestyle is bad and wrong and not even an option. But also so much was taught about the opposite. Like. You know, in my case, how to be a good wife I actually was married for a semester of high school. Obviously not legally, but pretty much everything, but signing the paperwork like. I had to, I was like assigned to man, this man proposed to me, we literally had a fake wedding. We had fake children. We had to go through hardships together. We sent out Christmas cards like. I was married to a man in high school. 'cause it was like something like, so like they wanted to teach us out. Like that is what we were meant to do with our lives. And there was no other option. If you want to hear more about that amazing experience, feel free to reach out anytime. But, so my point is, is that like, In my head, even though like from a very early age. I was, you know, thinking about women and. Interested, even though I couldn't always like put words to it, like. And my head, it just wasn't an option. Like the option was. You know, Go to college, find a man, get married, have 10 kids. Like that was just it. And I remember always feeling. Like honestly terrified, like, just so afraid of like what that was going to look like and what it would mean. And. How my life was going to change and all of that. And again, like, I didn't really have words for that or. Well, I was feeling that I just knew I was like constantly afraid. I was like, I don't, I don't want that. But there just wasn't really an alternative. And of course that's coming from someone with a very like, You know, Religious sort of bubbled experience that maybe not everybody has, but even for those who didn't have that experience, like I said, It's only been legal for so long. And before that, you know, people were, of course doing things they were having. Sort of their own kinds of ceremonies and things like that, but to not have those be. Recognized, you know, legally or probably to a lot of people around them at the time. Like. That's so sad. And I think. Of course like. Now, this is just going to spiral into a conversation about marriage. Like it's not that. This is saying either that, you know, marriage will absolutely change your whole entire relationship. I think that's a whole other conversation if you feel that way, but. You know, it's still is like, it's been around for forever. But only been around for straight couples for forever. So I think. Even in thinking about. Some things for my own personal wedding. In the future. Won't get into the details about that, but like, There are things that I'm like. I just I want to, I want to have those things too, you know, like all of the things that I never thought that I would get to have, or do like. I want to do those things too, because now they're available to me. And that feels like a huge celebratory when. And so I think in that way for the queer community, like. Tradition can be seen almost as like a win for us, right? Like that we, we get to do it too. We get to participate and we get to make it our own. And I will talk about this a little bit more at the end, but. This is not to say like, We're out here being like, oh, you want to. We want to be so traditional and go back to the 18 hundreds and. I don't know, do things all old fashion. Like that's not the point, but. Just to be able to say, like you've had this for so long and I think. It's really, probably been easy for a lot of straight couples to like take marriage and take these traditions for granted. Because it's never not been an option. And I also think. The other reason that tradition is important in this sentence is just because. You know, I talk about this even in like the very first episode of the podcast where like right from the get-go. Many queer couples are seen as quote unquote untraditional, which is like, You know, depending on how you look at it, that is true. And that's something that we can definitely use to our advantage in terms of like the world's our oyster, like let's run with that energy and do whatever we want. However. I think. Because we have that label from the get-go Sort of doing some of these like traditions and. Sort of old fashioned things. It's a sort of a nice way to reclaim the idea that we are just like everyone else. I mean, Personally in my opinion, I think we're still way cooler. I'm just kidding. But. We want to join into, you know, like we want, we want to have those things too. And also, it just is interesting to think about to, you know, reflecting on. When gay marriage was legalized and started to become more and more popular and more and more venues and things like that were like starting to jump on and allow those things as well. I feel like there were so many moments where they like the venue owners and vendors, or just like, what are we. What do we do? Like, I don't know. How does, how is this day gonna go? Like I've never been to a gay wedding, all of those things, which. You know, valid for them in a sense. But it's also just funny to think about, because there's also a lot of things that aren't, that I think. People just weren't thinking about that. You know, like something like first dances or like cutting the cake, like that's not exclusive to like a man and woman couple, you know, like, I don't think they have that unlocking key. Like I think. That's something that's pretty universal for any couple. So I think in that sense, like, Hopefully we're able to see that a lot of those things are like not specific to like a man or a woman. Of course, there are things like, I don't know. What you wear or regard or toss or things like that that feel more gendered, but, I think just to be able to. Say like. We want to participate in those traditions. And it's actually like really easy. Like we can still do parent dances, even if it's not like. Father daughter and a mother, son, like a parent dance can be whatever you want it to be. You know, I digress, but I think it's just nice to be able to say like, yes, of course there is an element of quote, unquote being untraditional. And in gay marriage or I'm in a gay wedding. But at the same time, like, We are sort of reclaiming, like we just. This is just a marriage and like, we can do the same things and it's not weird. I promise. And again, like, I will end by saying the purpose of this episode is not at all to be like, Okay. If you're listening, I want you to go Google all of the traditions that they used to do and 1803 and apply those to your wedding day. No, not at all. Like. If you've ever looked at my Instagram or things on my website, you know, that I'm so very pro couples doing whatever feels right for them. And honestly, I am very pro. Being quote, unquote, untraditional in the sense of like, I want your wedding or your allotment to feel exactly like you. To be full of things and activities and people that feel genuine and authentic, even if it's not what is traditionally done. Like, I am so proud of that and I will always support that. However. I do think that there's something really, really cool about getting to claim what should have always been ours, but hasn't always been. And so, whatever that looks like for you and your relationship and your wedding planning, like. Do that if, if you want to throw all tradition out the window, but you're like, You know what, like, I still really want to like do the whole cake thing and like smash in your face or whatever, or. Maybe you do so like. Want to do some of those more gender things like that's great. Like you can still do those things. Like I, I feel that pull in my own. Wedding planning of like, I, you know, Never thought that I would get to like stand up in front of people and like, say these words and have it be like publicly recognized. Like that is something I want to do. I feel that pull because like, Getting to reclaim those moments in my head of like, The fear of like standing up across from a man, no offense, but like standing up across from one. And having to do these things like so terrifying. So like, Having the freedom to be able to, to reclaim that and do what is genuine to me now. Like that's so freaking exciting and it is something to be celebrated. And so. For all the couples listening. I hope you feel the same way. And I hope that this sort of just serves as an opportunity for y'all to have a conversation about what that looks like specifically for you. Like what things do you want to keep? What things did you always dream about, but like thought weren't an option. And what things just give you the egg and you're like, no, we don't need to do that. Like, that's totally fine. And I would say for the non-queer folks here, if you're listening hopefully to, yeah, you can just see that, like, this is huge, like. I know, especially being in the industry, it can be pretty easy to just be like, okay, you're another wedding and that's great and amazing and all of that, but like, No, this is huge. Like. I can guarantee that almost. A lot of queer folks out there. Whether they grew up religious or not, like all had a moment of being like, what is my life going to look like? Is this an opportunity or possibility for me? And so just recognizing that, like, when we do make it there, like when, when it's our turn to get married, like it's a huge deal and it's a big reason to celebrate. And it is kind of honestly like a moment of power and a moment of reclaiming for us to be like, We deserve this. Like we get to do this too. And get to do it in our own way. So. That is all I have for you all this week. Kind of just short and sweet. But I do have some. As always very exciting guests coming up. I'm very, very excited for next week's episode. I have some awesome guests coming on, so please stay tuned and. Please watch out for the Spotify question that I will probably most likely. 92% likely be putting up. Clearly beloved. I hope you have an awesome day afternoon, evening, whatever it is. And I will see you all here next week.