40. Dealing with Queer Microaggressions when Planning Your Wedding

Hey y'all! This is obviously a not so fun topic to think about, so please be mindful of your own headspace when listening. I do my best to still keep this one pretty light, but also want to acknowledge how real these experiences are for folks and couples. This is such an important thing to acknowledge and to have conversations about so I hope you'll share this with someone who will appreciate it!
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Transcript

Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone)-1: 0:41

Really beloved. Welcome back to this week's episode. I'm so glad that you are. Deciding to share some of your valuable time with me and the rest of those listening, such a joy to have you all here as per usual. And also happy belated trans day of visibility. And if you celebrate Easter or the coming of spring and any which way then. Yay. That was this past weekend. So whatever that looks like for you, I hope it was amazing. Onto a less positive note. We're just going to awkwardly segue right in. To this week's episode topic, which is talking about microaggressions and how they pertain to couples in terms of their wedding planning experience. I think this is a really important episode, both for couples and vendors or allies alike listening. And I will definitely. Address, both of you after we kind of go over the definition and some examples and things like that. Unfortunately, I just, I think it's quite common for folks in the LGBTQ plus community. To have to deal with microaggressions. There's a study that I will link in the show notes that states that one-third or more of LGBTQ plus folks in the workplace report experiencing microaggressions. And some of that. One of the ways that they use to measure that is people reporting that they felt that they had to be very careful when discussing their home or personal life. And this was a study that was just done in 2022. So not that long ago, people still reporting and expressing this. So I think that's just like a very tangible way to show that like across the board, it does, unfortunately. Happen quite often. But I think it's important to acknowledge too, like. There are unfortunately things to that. Are more harmful than microaggressions. I'm just taking a moment to say. Rest in peace to next Benedict who should still be here with us. But that was very much so. More of a very, very harmful physical hateful act. That is very real as well. And I just felt like I couldn't do this episode without acknowledging that. Like, this is so real, like what we have to face. It's so real and so tangible. Unfortunately. But I think. Yeah, that is so real, but microaggressions are so real as well. And so I think it's important that we discuss them and how it pertains. Two weddings because weddings are so stereotypically, heteronormative and straight and straight focused. And gender role focused. That unfortunately, this particular chapter area of folks' lives just tends to come with a lot more of these microaggressions. So first let's actually just take a quick second to define what a microaggression is. It's a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally. Expresses a prejudice attitude toward a member of a marginalized group. And actually, when I was trying to find like a good definition of this, I saw a quote from Emily Scott that says. It argues that the power of microaggression lies in its invisibility to the perpetrator who typically finds it difficult to believe that he or she or they possesses biased attitudes. So I think that was really, really helpful too, just to see that in writing that a lot of times, these things are so hard to handle because it's things that. People aren't always willing to, at least in the moment except was wrong or weird, or that they could possibly. Do or say something. Weird or hateful. And I think many of us have like, experienced that in ourselves, right? Like if we do something wrong, we may not always realize it. And it's hard to accept to, especially if we didn't feel that it was wrong in the moment. But that also can make it really challenging to, to deal and address and navigate a folks. Aren't realizing or recognizing that it's wrong. They're just so much more hidden. And a lot more nuanced, I think We'll get more into that later, but I did really want to also just give credit where credit is due that this term actually was first. To find back in the 1970s by black Harvard psychologist, Chester, and Pierce. And he was really using it from a place of witnessing things that. White people would do to nonwhite folks. And so I just wanted to acknowledge that and give credit to that. That, that is something also so real that happens all of the time in those communities as well. So basically the too long didn't read version is that it's like, Calling someone out in a somewhat passive way because of their membership to some sort of minority group. And so with that definition in mind, I just, I know that so many couples. Both past, present and into the future. Probably still too. They. Deal with. Things so much more hateful than just like an offhand comment. And I don't want to dismiss those experiences. Like there are 195 countries. On our planet. And only about 25 to 30 of these countries recognize and allow same-sex marriage nationwide. So like, we've got a long way to go. And just like thinking about how many queer folks must be in those places where. They may still. Face like. Jail time or severe hate crimes because of how they feel and who they love. Like absolutely breaks my heart. And so I also just. Really really wanted to make sure to acknowledge that too. However, I will say this again later in the episode. That is so real. And we have so much farther to go in our world. But that doesn't mean that it has to negate these kinds of experiences. You know, just because. You haven't actively gotten punched in the face by someone. From a homophobic person. That doesn't mean that like words and actions and these things still can't hurt. Like your feelings are so valid. Like you as a person, you two as a couple, like when you experienced these things, like it is still so valid. You do not have to be punched in the face for these things to like hurt and for them to still require being called out and for us all to do better. Like. Do you need to engage planning your wedding or a low moment is supposed to be some of the happiest moments of your life. And while I know that a lot of people who have planned or are planning, weddings will. Tell you that like, naturally this comes with some level of stress. I think as queer folks, there's just so many things, more things that we have to think through and really, really be wary about. And things that we have to deal with that like, Other couples just may not. So I did want to give some examples of what microaggressions can look like for queer couples. And this is by no means a comprehensive list, but I did want to give. Some examples, one for those outside of the LGBTQ plus community to sort of just see and understand what I'm talking about. And maybe use as just a little bit of a reflection tool to see. Are those things that you may be accidentally sat or done and didn't realize. Or are they things that maybe you've seen other people do? And are now able to. Maybe call them out, going forward. And for the queer folks listening, like. I hope these are things that you never have to experience, but maybe you have an, you can relate. And if you've experienced things outside of this, Would love to hear. Other things that I can call out in the future just to let people know about. But. Right off the bat. Going to start out with a hot take that. I honestly do feel that if you're not using gender neutral language, On your website and your contact form, and like still have things that say bride and groom. Like, I'm going to be real with you. Like. That does feel like a microaggression, right? Like you're operating under the assumption that anyone who comes to work with you. Is straight like that is giving the same energy as when I go to the grocery store. And I'm checking out and the cashier's like, oh, I see you're married. Who's your husband. Like, it's that same energy where they're just like, Sees me see how I present automatically. They're like husband, which is obviously not true. I think it's really just the same energy. So. Please again. For the 40th time. You use gender neutral language. I think another big thing is that if you start to see or hear or visibly witness someone getting uncomfortable, when they find out that you're queer, That is. Microaggression. Like if you're touring a venue and the person giving the tours like, oh, you know, like who's getting married and you have to explain. Which that's a whole other topic, like, and they're like, oh, oh, Wow. Cool. Cool. That is, that is so cool. Wow. Really, really cool. Yeah, that was my bad impression, but I I've definitely seen that. Where vendors or guests, family members, whomever just like get uncomfortable and do not know what to do with themselves. Like. I have seen that so many times. Y'all and it is just. It's just a spiral because then I'm uncomfortable that they're uncomfortable. And it's a whole thing I'm like, that is so sad, like that someone gets uncomfortable by your existence. And who you love and who you're getting married to. So, Check yourself. If that's you. Please don't do that. Another thing is if it's two female identifying people, there's a lot of like, Oh, okay. So like Monica, who was going to wear a dress and one of you's gonna wear suit. Cool. Like, who's that going to be? Like? I think there's a lot of that still, or just like general assumptions about identities. Trying to still put people into boxes, I think is really what's happening. Like, oh, I need to figure out like, who's the man in the relationship, you know, same for couples that have two male identifying folks where they're like, well, one of them is probably like a little bit more. I mean only in one of them's probably like a little bit more flamboyant or what have you like. No. I like, and I think that, yeah. Gay male couples often have this experience too, where. There's just a lot more judgment put on them if one or both, or either of them decide to present or express a little bit more femininely on that day. Like maybe they want to wear. A jumpsuit or a dress or a skirt, or maybe one of them wants to hold a bouquet or maybe one of them wants to have a ring. That's not just a plain band. Crazy. What a concept. Like, I think they experienced that too of just like. And right. I think like, In both of these instances. The microaggressions can just be even like, Surprise. Like if you are like, oh yeah. Hey, like, You know, I'm a man and I really want like a big diamond ring and someone's like, oh, okay. Really? Are you sure? Like, I just, I never see that. Like, are you really sure about that? Like, do you. Don't don't you want to come look at these like silver bands over here? Like. That is kind of how those things would manifest. I has the microaggression. So. I think. Referencing back to. What I was saying about people getting uncomfortable. You guys. The amount of times that I have both witnessed as well as like, heard and seen of this happening. Where people. Just like. Cannot comprehend. That a queer or same-sex couple is getting married to each other. It was unreal like that should not still. I just, yeah. If you have two. Explain for any more than 10 seconds. That you are getting married to each other and you're not sisters, you're not best friends. You're not just having a wedding on the same day at the same time. Like, come on, people like put two, two together, like. It's wild. How many things in. Like straight non-queer people's brains, sometimes that they will jump through. Like, they will go to the wildest possible assumption first before just being like, oh yeah. Okay, cool. You're getting married to each other, like moving on. How can I help you? Like, that's just wild to me. Like, you're really gonna be like, oh my gosh, you guys are best friends and you're having your wedding like the same day in time. Like that's so special. I'm so happy for like, that's. I'm going to go before being like, oh, okay, cool, cool. Like you're getting married to each other. Awesome. Yeah. Again, just like. I know that's not outright rude, but like it's still a microaggression. It's like, You're going. You're just assuming that everybody is straight before. Accepting that they're getting married to each other. Just yeah. Wild. I think. A big thing I see too, is that. You know, this is RDU been discussed on other podcast episodes, but frequently there is. To getting ready rooms and frequently they are. Decorated in very gendered ways. Operating under the assumption that there will be a man and a woman. And if a queer couple comes to tour. I frequently hear too, like, You know, using a lesbian couple as an example. Using my own relationship as an example. Everybody would just like automatically assume that my partner would want the getting ready room with the deer head and pool table, because she is more masculine presenting, like. How it might not be true. I mean, Real talk. I don't think either of us would want that kind of room, but you know, Just saying that that is how it would present itself. Just assuming, like, based off of. How one speaks or presents or their mannerisms that they would want something and not the other. I think that just relates to so many things like so many vendors like hair and makeup artists, assuming that only one out of the two people in the couple will want hair and makeup. Or you assume that neither of them will, because maybe they're both masculine presenting. And so therefore, why would they want hair and makeup? So I think just a lot of those, like assumptions. And verbalizing and expressing those assumptions to the couple like that is a form of a microaggression. Okay. This one. It's a little bit controversial to talk about. And I wasn't even sure at first, if I was going to say it, but. I am going to say it because I think it's important. So a big thing that happens, especially just in this last year, year and a half of me. Saying that oh yeah. Like I shoot primarily queer LGBTQ weddings. I get a lot of like, oh my God girl, that slay queen, like that's amazing. They have the best parties. And it's hard because like, you know, there is a big part of me that's like, yes, absolutely. Like gay weddings are the bus. Of course I love them. And yes, I'm biased, but like, yeah, they're the best. But I think. And this is not always the case. Like. I know. Like pretty much 99.9% of the time when people say that, like, they're just being fun. They're trying to connect. But I think I just wanted to use that as an example. Just to say, like, I think that there might be. Some. Elements of overgeneralizing the community as well as. Like some form of exoticism. Right. And I know that typically pertains to. Like other cultures, other races. Things like that. But just the idea of like, Sort of like othering the community and saying like, oh yeah, like those are so cool. And like, those are so different. And I think. Sometimes people saying that sort of are like operating under the assumption that like, if you're queer and you're getting married, you're just going to be yelling slay queen and like have that kind of energy for your whole day. Which like, if that's you amazing run with that, that like, there's nothing wrong with that. But. I think it's, yeah, it's just a generalization of the queer community and the queer experience. And like almost them sort of projecting what all queer weddings are like. But it's like, hello? Have you ever seen a rainbow? Like. There's so many colorfuls, which is reflective of like all sorts of nuances and different identities and different lived experiences. And different forms of expressing ourselves and our love. That is not all like. I, I don't want a huge party for my day. Like I don't, I probably won't say is slay queen one time during. I mean. Now that I say that I probably will say it, but. Like. That is why I was not sure about whether or not to include this one, because it is like a very positive thing that people are saying like, oh my God. Yes. Like queer weddings are such a party, but it's like, In some ways it's sort of just like, okay, you believe, where is that coming from? Like, what are you operating under? Like not all of us have the same kinds of weddings, you know? And obviously yes, biasly. I do think that there are the best. I always think that there are the best kinds of parties, whatever party means for you, but. Yeah, I just encourage you. Like, if you have said that, like, just reflect on like where that's coming from. And I think just the last thing that I'll point out is I think sometimes. Again, Like microaggressions. A lot of time are unintentional and they can even be like super well meaning. But if that's not how it's received, like that's part of the problem as well. And so I think something that I've seen and heard a lot of too is. Say you're queer couple. You're reaching out to a vendor you're on a tour or you're on a phone call. You're having some sort of interaction with a vendor. Or maybe it's a guest at your wedding that you don't know very well or whatever the case may be. And they sort of immediately. Kind of ask. Personal questions like how you knew or how you came out or. You know if maybe one member of the couple identifies as like transgender or non-binary like trying to ask. Questions that are just too far too fast and like, not really for you to know. Yeah, I think. People mean it well, but like, It just. It is maybe not the right time or for you to be asking those kinds of deeply personal questions like about their home life or about how they came out or how they identify like. In a deeper way. Yeah, I think. Again, it's almost sort of seen as like, Form of like othering or like exoticism, like, oh my God, like I never get to meet a queer person. Like, let me ask you all these questions that I've been wondering about. Like, I know we were likely just trying to connect, but like, we also don't necessarily want to use our wedding as an opportunity for you to like learn and. Feel like you got to talk to someone that you don't normally. Oh, that makes sense. So I think it's also just like in closing, talking about examples, like. These are things people do outside of the community, right? Like sometimes those of us within the community, we can make these fun, silly little jokes with one another. Because we're doing it. From member to member within the community. So these are really coming from the perspective that you are outside of the community. And are, are outside of our close circles. And I think that really goes back to that quote that I read earlier about people believing that they aren't biased because. Same people can say things like thinking that it's coming from a really good place and that they don't have anything within themselves to work through, but like, that's not true, likely. And so. For the couples listening. Please know that your feelings are valid and you are seen, and you are not alone in this. So many couples face this regularly, both in their day-to-day lives and their jobs. Maybe in their friend or family circles even. So please, please, please just know. That you are not alone. That's the encouraging bit. The less encouraging bit is that. It is fairly likely that you will experience this during your process. Just keeping it real, but the things that I'll say here to provide a little bit of support is to one. Please make sure to take time for yourself and to do things that feel like self care specifically to you throughout this process. You know, if you are working with a vendor, that's started to give you a little bit of weird vibes. Like. Make sure that you take the time and space you need. Two. Yeah. Just remind yourself that whatever they, they say or do is not a reflection of you or your value or your worth. But following up on that, the second thing is it's really, really important if at all possible, if you can help. Or if you can enlist the help of friends. Or family members or maybe a planner that's supporting you to help communicate with other vendors or guests. And I think something really cool too, that you could do with this person is. Prior to either your wedding day. Or like sort of bigger milestone interactions with vendors. Like just go over things. That you can do if you start to feel uncomfortable. Which is a good segue into my third point here. And one of the things that you can do is just say. What did you mean by that? Like if someone says something or does something or ask something or makes a comment. Simply just saying, Hey can, can you explain what you meant by that? Like, I know that might feel a little bit uncomfortable, but I do find that, just sort of saying that is like, A way that doesn't necessarily have to feel super scary, but is still a way for you to sort of ask that person to stop and. Pause and reflect. Because I think that just by you asking them that question, It forces them to be like, oh wait, What just came out of my mouth. Like, what did I just do? Why did I. Yeah, there was kind of weird. Like why did I say that? But it's also, I think. A way that like keeps you from feeling that you are not threatening them. Right. Like I think if something were to happen, like a lot of queer folks maybe start to feel nervous or worried or scared. And don't necessarily want to. Make the situation worse. If they're starting to feel. That someone may feel some kind of way about them and don't want to make the situation worse. But I think that just by like slowing down. Pausing asking a super simple question is a good way for you to be. Like. Hey, what's going on here, buddy. Like explain it to me. The fourth thing that I will say is I really encourage you to join. Some Facebook groups whether this is your like local city or states, just like general queer LGBTQ Facebook group. Or there are some specific ones that I'm going to link in the show notes. That are specifically for LGBTQ couples planning their weddings. They're not like run or associated with me. I just am and them, and really love seeing couples. Use it as a resource to basically be like, Hey. What should we do about this? Or, Hey, this just happened or, Hey, are any of you going through this or. You know, they're also just really fun planning resources. And I think it's really important to. To be in community in this process just to basically be like, Hey, like, is anyone else experiencing this? Like, how did you handle it? Do you have any suggestions? Like. I think it's so, so powerful to speak to others who have the same experience as you so highly recommend. And just finally, and lastly, Just know that you are worthy and you were loved and you deserve to have the best day ever, regardless of what people say or do. There was a lot of silly people in this world who. Whether it is intentional or unintentional. Likely will. Maybe cause a little bit of Harmer sadness and that does not say a singular thing about who you are or your worth. So please just hear that. I know it's tough. Like. I'm not exempt from this. Like I experienced these things all the time and usually when I experienced them, it doesn't feel so great. And. Especially, I think with the religious trauma aspect of things, I can even make me question or. Depending on what it is and make me smile a little bit and be like, oh my God, my wrong, like. And that's obviously not the case for everyone, but. I do know, Sometimes these microaggressions, don't give you micro feelings and that's valid, but it's still doesn't say anything about who you are. So just really want it to make that super clear. For those of you listening, who are outside of the community for vendors. An allies. This is what I would like to say to you. First of all. I think anything around this conversation, like. It's really easy for people to immediately be like, oh my God, am I a bad person or whatever? Like, No. If you have. Said or done any of the things on the list or maybe something on that list made you think of something else that you may have done, like. You are not a bad person. Let's just start there. Like we've all done things. I've done things that I don't love that I may or may not have realized. So let's just start there. Okay. Take a deep breath. But I think I've said this many, many times throughout this podcast. And I will say it again because it's applicable and it's important just. A general rule just don't assume. Okay. Like it's the same energy is not assuming pronouns. Just don't assume things or roles or what a couple will want. Always ask open-ended questions, ask as many questions as possible, like that is going to give you the best possible outcome. And is going to signal to couples that you want to listen to them and you want to support them and you want to do what feels right for them. So asking questions is number one. Number two, talk to other queer folks like I'm here. My DMS are open. If you're wondering about how to handle something or want to learn something. Or have specific questions. And when I say specific questions, I mean, like, You know, how should I. Address someone when blah, blah, blah, like specific like that, I don't necessarily mean like specific to the couple. Cause you should. Be talking to the couple about that. Or if you have like queer friends and family members and you're like, Hey. Do you have like. The energy and capacity and time and space to answer this question. I have about this queer couple that I'm working with. Like, I really want to serve them well, but I maybe just haven't done a wedding like this before, or just like, feel unsure, like. Ask other people to like learn from other people in the community. In a respectful way. Number three is if you feel you accidentally said or did something. It's okay. Apologize and move on and just use it as a learning experience. Like. Same thing as if you accidentally use the wrong pronouns or mis-gender apologize. Move on. Learn. Grow. And a story. The next thing is, please check in with yourself. I know it's really, really hard to look inwards, especially when you're trying to like, figure out if you have any of these biases. Like that's really, really hard. And it's something that I need to always be doing with myself too. Like I think there's all things we can be working on. But I encourage you to try and what am I actually gonna do is I'm going to link some books in the show notes. They actually just Talk more about this topic. And we'll have some resources in the books too, just as far as how to reflect and how to move forward. So. That's what I'm going to say to both a couples in the community and those outside of the community. As far as how to address this. And. It's sort of hard to like end this episode because I think. Some of this or all of this really feels like a damper, you know, like it's not fun to think about microaggressions. It's not fun to think about the fact that these things are pretty unavoidable. Like. If you can avoid all of these things for your wedding. That's great. That's amazing. I hope that is 100% the case. But that probably means you're going to face it in other areas of life. And like that sucks. So, and the other thing about this too. That I want to say before I close out and I know this is a pretty long solo episode, so thank you for sticking with me, but. I think it's also important to note that the thing about microaggressions. Because you're not getting punched in the face. It leaves a lot of room for. Questioning yourself and comparing yourself. Those are the two things I think that come up with these things is like one will like. Oh, my God. Well, You know, this person said this thing, but it wasn't really that bad. So like, Y you know who might've say. Or someone says something that could most definitely be a microaggression. But you walk away and you're like, well, I don't know. And like, maybe I'm just being crazy. Maybe I'm just, you know, whatever. And it's really easy to guess. Let yourself. I've never done that before. Why do you ask just kidding. Definitely done that before. And so I think. Yeah, I can, it can just be challenging to, to deal with. But again, like if you're are experiencing this or planning your wedding or have experiences like. Please try as hard as you can to not invalidate yourself. Or to make yourself feel bad by comparing yourself to other experiences. Because these things are real. And they suck. They really do, but my hope is that going forward, we can all reflect and learn and grow. And truly like. Hopefully like having this conversation, both with folks in the community, as well as outside of the community. Like we can all reflect on this on our own ways. And that will have a really positive ripple effect that will spread into how we treat everyone, especially. Those in other marginalized communities that maybe we aren't a part of So I think there's just like a lot of reflection to be done. And a lot of growth, but that means so much hope for the future and that The amount of microaggressions that we all have to face in one way or another. Continue to dwindle as we make the worlds. A better place. So. Clearly beloved. Thank you so, so much for sticking with me in this longer episode. I hope that it's given you some things to think about. I hope that it has made you feel validated or made you inspired to just reflect and ask questions and grow, whatever it might be. I appreciate you all and I hope you all have an amazing day.