THE LIVE POD! Red and Beige Flags in the Wedding Space, Wedding Drama and an Amazing Couple!

What an absolute blast this was to do this live and I hope you'll listen in to hear about Red and Beige Flags in the wedding industry (and put them to the test by playing a game with us), hear from Tony and Ben share about their experiences planning their own wedding and a Q+A session with all things lgbtq+ weddings! A huge shout out to Urban Growler Brewery for being an amazing host and an epic place to host your wedding!

Click HERE to watch the Queerly Beloved Events event on things you can do as a lgbtq+ person to protect yourself in the upcoming years.

The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic

Queerly Beloved, I'm so glad you joined!
Please keep the community going by checking me out on instagram @wildlyconnectedphoto and come say hi! I'd love to hear from you! :)

Transcript

Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone): 0:41

Hey, what's up? hopefully you aren't scared away by seeing how long this episode is. It is from the live podcast. So we kind of broke it up into some fun little segments. So hopefully. You aren't too scared away by that. It is super fun. And I just wanted to pop in here before we dive into the live episode to just say, wow, like, thank you so much to everybody who came. Thank you to Urban Growler for hosting and thank you everybody for participating and submitting things and just making it so fun. Did just want to say, first of all, I am sorry for the amount of times I say um, I'm working on it. I really am. So sorry about that. But then also secondly, this was my first time doing a live podcast as I know I've said, but I really, truly did my best with the sound quality. However, I am a photographer, not a videographer slash audio mastermind. And so it truly is fine. Like, I don't think you're going to be, your ears aren't going to be bleeding or anything, but it's just, it's a little bit different. Um, because we were working with both obviously trying to project the sound and then also record the sound for later as well, so, I think it should be totally fine, but just note that it's a little bit different than when I record my episodes in my little studio. Thank you so much for listening. I hope that you make it all the way through. And, oh, the other thing I wanted to say was, you know what, like, editing this was truly so much fun and such a joy because I got to hear everybody's laughter playback and I decided to keep all of those moments of laughter in because it was truly just, like, So fun to be in a room and like I'll be laughing and I'll be joking around together and so Maybe some of you are not fans of keeping that in but I think it's so fun to like hear people laughing and like hear That joy being shared. And so I kept it in. Sue me. So I hope I hope that that laughter and Some of these moments bring you some joy. All right, let's get into it

Anna: 2:50

Thanks for being here, you guys. Welcome, welcome. So nice to see you all. Um, for those who aren't familiar, my name is Anna. I use she, her pronouns. I run Wildly Connected Photography and I'm also the host of Queerly Beloved, the podcast. I've had the podcast for about two years now, but this is my first time doing a live event, so you'll have to bear with me as I do the live side of it. But, does anyone else feel like they need to take a deep breath? Because Wow. Incredible. Um, just a few quick notes here before we fully dive into the podcast. Um, huge shout out to Urban Growler for having this event and hosting. Urban Growler does such a great job at like living out their values and practicing inclusivity. And I've just had such a great time working with them. So. Big shout out to Urban Growler. Kaylee will be here to answer any questions about, like, the space or the venue if any of you want to chat with her, too. I also just wanted to, before we dive into, say, like, the past couple of months have been rough. I think we've all been feeling that in different ways and While I'm so glad to be here with all of you, I also know it's been rough. It's been a little bit weird. And I also just wanted to let you know I will have a resource available. there was an event, um put on by Queerly Beloved, The Events Company, um, a couple weeks ago with some lawyers just kind of discussing, like, what's going on in the world, things you can do to protect yourself. So, I will have that up in the show notes, too, in case that's something that you've been, like, worried about or thinking through. But I think we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. the podcast is gonna be about an hour long, but don't worry, it won't be me talking the whole time. We're gonna do some, like, fun interactive segments and have a Q& A panel here at the end. So, if you have any questions, make sure to keep those in mind. So, with that, by a show of hands, who is here is watching the new Love is Blind series. Great, great. I can't say that I've been watching the show, but unfortunately I do know somebody on the show, so I've been watching those segments. Um, and in watching those segments, there's this one scene where they're in the pods, I don't know, yeah, the pods, and we'll just, we'll say his name, the character's name, they're characters in my head, um, Ben is talking to Sarah, I think, and um, she's like, oh I know, like I keep hearing you say you're religious, like, I just wanted to make sure my sister's gay, like are you comfortable hanging out with her? He says, oh, yeah, I have no problem with people like that. And then proceeds to say that, like, three more times. Like, well, I didn't really grow up around people like that. But, like, people like that I have no problem with. Which I'm like Come on, if you can't say the word gay, or like, say the word LGBTQ, like, it's a red flag for me, homie. Um, I mean, he's just a walking red flag, so, that's another story. But, shout out to Ben for being a great segue into, uh, talking about red flags here. I wanted to talk about some red flags, like, in The wedding world and honestly like even though we're talking about weddings this applies to a lot of other things too, right? So I think This is important to talk about these in in today's world, right? Because I think we're so much farther along than we were even like ten years ago But that kind of leaves us in this interesting space we're like Don't get me wrong. There's people out there who are still very openly like homophobic But, then there's also this like, sect of people who is like, I think I'm getting good vibes, but I'm also not entirely sure. And so, how, like, what am I looking for? What kinds of things do I ask them to like, really see? Like, is this person a red flag? Yeah. I think that's really important to talk about, like, in the context of today, in 2025. But I also do want to say, like, it's not like any of these things is like, Oh, well, this person did that. Canceled. Gone. Like, there is always room for nuance. But I also feel comfortable saying, like, I want to hold the wedding industry to a higher standard. Like, if people can keep up with trends and change how they, like, what decor they have or things like that, then, like, I want to hold them to higher standards of, like, making sure that they don't have any red flags. so the first one I kind of wanted to talk about is, um, if one of two things happens, if you're talking to, like, a venue or a vendor and they're like, well, We don't usually work with LGBTQ couples, but like, we'll make an exception. Or, if they're very much like, Oh, we've never done this before. And like, we'll talk more about that later, but if they're like, making a point to let you know, like, We've never done this before, and also now we're starting to get anxious and sweaty just talking about this. Might be a little bit of a red flag. Um, also, like, you should never be the exception, right? Like, you should feel as celebrated as any other couple, and so if they use the word exception, red flag. Another one that I wanted to chat about is, I think there's a lot of things that hopefully now like venues and vendors that are trying to like make efforts hopefully have some baseline of like, Showing queer couples in their portfolio, having space for like pronouns on their contact form, and things like that, that like, in my mind, that should be the baseline, even if it's not. Um, so these are things that I'm like saying, okay, hopefully people are doing these things, what can we do to go like above and beyond? And so one of those things is, I think I still see a lot of people they'll be like, oh, you both use she, her pronouns, great, you're both brides, which is like, we just don't want to be making those assumptions. So I would love to see people making an effort to talk to couples, like, is there a certain term you want to use, or how are you feeling about these words? And I think on that same vein too. While it's super great and awesome that people ask for pronouns, something I see a lot is people kind of, like, they'll do it, and then they'll slide back into the comfortability of, like, Well, I see this person uses he, they pronouns, so, like, I'm just gonna stick with he. Never use the other one, never alternate, never ask this person, like, how are you feeling with this? Like, is there something I can do differently on your wedding day? Like, maybe that person doesn't actually want to use certain pronouns on their wedding day because of X, Y, and Z reasons. So, um, if If venues and vendors aren't actually, like, making efforts to, like, check in with you of, like, how do you identify? Is there anything we can say that would make you feel really awesome? Like, it's a little bit of red flag for me. Something I also see a lot is, Again, there's kind of that like baseline of people being like, yeah, I'll work with a queer couple but I'm also going to be like Who is the more masculine one in the partnership? Like trying to like fit people into boxes So it's like on the one hand they're like saying yes, I'll be inclusive but then at the same time They're very much trying to force people into boxes, Again, if you're like seeing people and you're like, I think this person has good vibes, but like, Let me just kind of check in with them, maybe ask them some questions, like, How would you approach this? If they start getting defensive, Probably also not the best, right? Like, it's understandable if people haven't had the most experience, but then they should want to, like, approach that conversation respectfully versus, like, immediately trying to defend themselves or be like, well, why are you asking me that? Like, So really pay attention to, like, how people are having conversations with you. Um, so those are just some, some red flags to kind of be on, on the lookout for. Um, and I also wanted to talk about Some beige flags, if you will. Um, some things, again, that aren't by any means, like, grounds to cancel somebody or anything like that. Um, but I think these are things that hopefully you two, both as individuals and as a couple, can kind of discuss, like, what are our boundaries when it comes to things that we're kind of not certain about. And what is our threshold for like, you know, putting up with these things, or working with people on these things. I think that's really important, and I think that looks totally different for every couple. Like, some couples are like, great, this person's never worked with a queer couple, but I can tell they have really good intentions. Like, do I have capacity to help them through that? Um, I think in my mind, it's kind of like thinking about, If somebody was like, We need to have a gluten free wedding because one of us has a gluten intolerance. And you're kind of like, well, we really, really love this caterer. Like, they're super awesome. We really love them. But they've never done a wedding like that where they have a gluten free menu. They're super willing to try, but Am I willing to take that risk on of like, do I want to be thinking about that on my wedding day? Like, am I willing to take on the risk of like, getting sick on my wedding day because they don't have experience? Um, and I think, again, every couple's totally different in like what your threshold and capacity is, but it's just something to think about when you're kind of like, hmm. Was that something weird that just happened? Do I want to, like, keep working with this person? So yeah, again, there's nuance with all of it. So one of the beige flags I wanted to talk about is people that say they're inclusive, but then don't always put in the effort of, like, I'm going to actually update the language in my contracts to not only say bride and groom. Like, I think that's something I see pretty often is that people are like, Yes, we're an inclusive vendor, but then like won't put in the effort to like changing things or um, making sure that everything is updated because in their minds they're kind of just like, Oh, well, you know, it's fine. Like people, people will just skim past it. It doesn't really matter. And then I think just kind of following up on the point that I made, um, in the red flags of like, people, you know, letting you know they've never worked with a queer couple. I think if people approach that conversation in terms of like, oh my god, we've never done this, like, what are we gonna do, what if there's two people in suits and we don't know, like, which one to talk to more, like, that kind of thing. But I think If people approach the conversation in a way that's, you know, open and transparent, because I think that's important, like, Hey, I've never done this before. And also, I want to listen and learn from you. Like, I think there's ways to have that conversation that are more of a beige flag leaning into a green flag than a red flag. and the last one is, I know this one might sound a little bit spicy, so just bear with me, but something that I see a lot too is people making statements that are kind of like, Well, you know, we just love love. It doesn't matter. Like, we treat all couples the same. Like, we just want to work with cool people, which is like, great. That's awesome. I see what you're saying. You're on the right track. And also, um, kind of how I said earlier, like everyone deserves to be celebrated the same, but how that celebration happens might look a little bit different from couple to couple, especially as it pertains to queer couples. And so for me, maybe it's just me, but for some reason when I see people saying that, it's kind of like alarm bells going off in my head of like, Yes. And also, are you going to be able to like understand that queer couples are Going through a different experience in straight couples and like are you going to be able to work with them to create a Structure that works for them and getting ready spaces that work for them and and things like that. So those are all the beige flags that I wanted to discuss, but ultimately with both of them, I think it's important that you follow your gut. Like, if you are, like, seeing good things from somebody, but you're like, something's just kind of off, like, that's okay. Like, on, on your wedding day, you don't want to be thinking about, Oh, is something weird going to happen, or am I going to feel uneasy? Like, Listen to your gut and, and hopefully these remind you too that like, you're allowed to have boundaries and you're allowed to stand up for yourself. Like if people are being weird, you're allowed to stand up for yourself and be like, no, like other couples don't experience that and I, I don't want to either. Obviously easier said than done, but you are very much allowed to do it. And hopefully this is just a little reminder. So, now that we're all on the same page about some things to kind of be on the lookout for, I would love to do a little fun game. I don't know if any of you know this, but I am a registered officiant in the state of Minnesota. Which means that, I have performed weddings and heard lots of weddings, or weddings, vows from couples. And, um, So we're going to take a little spin on the classic, like, I do moment. And we're going to walk through some scenarios. I'm sure you all have seen the little paddles. One says I do, one says I don't. I'm going to go through some scenarios that couples have submitted to me of like things they've experienced in their wedding planning process. And then also things that I've seen, like just being in the wedding space. This is your opportunity to say that you've been on a podcast, because I would love to go around and come up to some of you and see what your thoughts are on the situation. So, if I come up to you and you're like, nah, that's okay too. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Alright. Everybody ready? Everybody get the game. Great. So, you and your partner, who both identify as brides, are super excited about this one venue. The people you've set up a tour with seem nice. But when you get to the tour, you see a sign that welcomes you and it reads, insert bride's name here, and her prince charming. Do you still take this venue into consider, into consideration to host your wedding? Interesting. Okay, okay, okay. What did, what did your paddle say? I don't. Okay, why did you say that? Mainly because this is my story. And also, like, don't assume anything. Like, it's 2025. You should not assume, like, the sex of the partner. Unless you ask the name of the partner. Yeah. Like, don't assume things. Yeah. And then, don't, and then they don't, they didn't say anything afterwards to apologize or anything. It was just, they just kind of moved past it and it was really awkward the entire time. God, and both of you were there? Yeah. Okay, so, safe to say you did not book this venue. No, we did not. Okay, great. Thanks for your participation. Alright, so, great, that was a great practice round. Um, everyone in your family, Has had a big wedding. It's been huge celebration Big deal, and now it's your and your partner's turn to have a wedding So you're excited to have a big wedding have a big celebration however Your parents approach you and say um, can you please just like not have a big wedding? Can you kind of just tone it down a little bit like we don't really want to have any judgment or like hard conversations Do you take this request from your parents? What does your paddle say? I don't. Why do you say that? Um, I feel like a wedding is supposed to be a big day for you and your partner, and how you choose to celebrate that should be up to you two, not your parents. And, you know, you can hopefully choose to include them in on it too, but if it doesn't align with what you and your partner want, I think your needs should come above that, personally. Slay. Okay, oh gosh, alright, so, a local venue that may or may not start with a series of numbers and may or may not end with post, um, looks like a great venue, it's beautiful, it's gorgeous, but then you click on their website and you see this, the definition, the definition of marriage is the exclusive union of one man and one woman, Genesis 2 24. Do you ask if they'll make an exception for you and your partner? Great. What does your paddle say? I don't. Why did you say that? If you're not going to accept my relationship, um, even off the website, then you're, I'm not going to give you my business. That is the right answer. Although, technically, these are all subjective. That was still the right answer. Alright. You're going to a bridal shop and weren't able to like, suss out the vibes. You're like, maybe they're cool, maybe they're not. There isn't anything on like, social media. But, you're like, I really want to try on a dress here. You get there, and the person helping you out has a septum piercing and grey taste. Do you risk it for the biscuit with this bridal shop? Or suit shop. Or whatever shop. Great. What does your paddle say? It says I do. Why'd you say that? Um, you said septum piercing. I feel like that is the queer calling card. That I am like, alright, alright, let's talk. Yes, yes, yeah. Also the right answer. Alright. Okay. We'll do two more. Just for fun. Okay, so. You meet with the coolest hair and makeup person, like, so good, very good at their job, she does makeup on her son because he loves it, great, great vibes. But then, at the end of this meeting, she brings in her business partner, who is also a hair and makeup assistant, and when you ask the new person her pronouns, she said, what's that? Do you book this dynamic duo? Okay, okay, okay. I'm gonna come back over here. I feel like it would be a vibe check. I, I kind of was flipping it back and forth. It would be a very, like, big vibe check of is it, I don't know, and like, they're open to you being like, that's what we all use when we don't call each other our names. Or like, or if they are like, oh, no, just like the regular ones. You know, it, it's It's about, like, are they ignorant and willfully so or ignorant and willing to, like, learn and be accepting, I think is the vibe check in that moment. So it depends on how the next couple of lines of that conversation go. Do you still feel that way if it's 2025 and this is, like, a young person? Yeah, I'm not going to lie, if they're young, they don't get as much of a pass as if they're like an old lady. And I'm like, oh, sweet lady, I can, I can inform you. But yeah, no, if they're young, honestly, I do feel like that changes how I feel about them, like, not knowing about pronouns. Then they have less excuses. Lots of nuance here. Great answer. Alright. Last one. We kind of already talked about this, so I'll be curious to see what you all say. So. A wedding planner reaches out to a vendor on your, on your behalf, and they respond with, We, we'll work with gay couples. We don't discriminate against cool people. Do you feel good about working with them? Interesting, interesting. A lot of similar vibes. Um, I really think it's a nuanced conversation. You have to have that conversation of like, looking at portfolios and having those conversations to be able to fully understand kind of their overall perspective. But if you get that, Like, gut feeling where you're like, Ooh, nope, this feels wrong. Definitely back off and find somewhere else that is willing to love and accept you for all that you are. Just not, because you're cool. Because we're not in middle school anymore. Also, honestly, what if I'm not cool? I just happen to be gay. Like, What does that mean? True, yeah, exactly. Awesome. Well, you all crushed that. Amazing job. You are great at playing games, so good job.

25:34

Now that we have played our game, I would love to invite Tony and Ben up to the front. This is a fantastic, wonderful, amazing, stunning, beautiful couple that I photographed their wedding, um, a little while ago. They had just the best day. And they're the greatest humans. And so, I would like to ask them a few questions. But first, can you two just like introduce yourselves? Anything you want to share? Hello. I'm Benjamin. I use he, him pronouns. Uh, and Uh, we've been together for seven years on Monday, so, woo hoo hoo hoo hoo. Um, and by day I'm a creative director, and that's my Bruce Wayne job, and my Batman job is, um, I teach at the Minneapolis College of Art and Design. Hi, uh, Tony Rivera Chose, uh, he, him pronouns. Um, yeah, we've been together for seven years. We met at the This might be like diving in, but We met at the, um, Lonely Hearts Club dance at First 2018. Um We've been talking, like, we've been texting, but it was the first time we actually ran into each other. Benjamin can tell you the whole story later. But anyways, um, Yeah, and by day, I am a creative project manager. And by night, I am exhausted. Great, love it. Um, just for fun, do you want to tell us your proposal story or stories? This is you. Ooh, yes, I am very proud of our proposal story. Uh, Tony made it very clear early in our relationship that I would be the one to propose. And so, and I'm gonna say in more ways than one, as in, was told explicitly on more than one occasion. Just really quick, I just didn't realize how long it would take you. Um, Tony is the milestone driven one of our relationship, where I'm the one that enjoys the journey. So I'm like, what's the rush to getting married? And, um, so I think Tony would say I didn't know it was going to take five years. But, um, you know, give or take. Anyways, uh, so I told, uh, I got tickets for Tony's birthday, that's what I said, to go to New York City. And, um, and then secretly had, um, I was feeling, um, I don't know, old fashioned and straight in the moment, so I went and asked his parents for permission. And they were like, teared up, and they were like, yes, yes. Um, and so we went to New York, and, uh, Tony is a big Sex and the City fan, and, uh, always loves the quote from Carrie Bradshaw that says, the New York Public Library is home to the And so I told him we were going on a tour and we had to wait on the steps outside, um, and I was secretly waiting for a secret photographer to take our photo, uh, but she was running late on the subway. So I'm like, man, this tour must be running late. Tony's like, yeah, this is weird for like a professional institution. And then she texted and said, I'm here. And so I needed Tony to turn around cause I wanted to very like traditionally get down on one knee and I needed him to turn around. And so I yelled. Look, Mariska Hargitay! And he goes, Where?! And when he turned around, there I was! Hee hee hee hee! Heh heh heh heh. Did you see me coming? Um, he started getting real weird for like the last 30 seconds. So I was like, What is up? And it kind of was like, it was my 35th birthday, So I was like, it's kind of a milestone birthday, sure. Um And, are my parents about to come around the corner? Or I like, was it, is my best friend secret? Yeah, I thought there was going to be like a surprise guest. Um, and then I realized, and then I like turned around and he was gone, and then I just realized he was like kneeling down. And then, like, we both blacked out, and I can't tell you what happened next. Thank God there's photos, otherwise I wouldn't be able to, like, remember anything. Wow, I love that. Congrats for pulling it off. Obviously it worked out. Um, so that brings us to your wedding planning. Um, talk to us a little bit about, like, what was really important to you when you were planning? I think for me We, so we had our first date at, let me back up, I was like very dead set on like finding the right venue for like vibe purposes, um, and truthfully there was one place I wanted us to get married, and it was I said this flippantly, but like maybe a little seriously, where I was like if this place isn't available we should just go get married at the courthouse. I wanted us to get married at Barler Cott in Loring Park because that's where we had our first date. And in my, and I knew they did weddings, and in my head I'm like this is the, I wanted this idea of like this intimate dinner party where like everybody was dressed up, and I was in a tux, and there was like linen tablecloths, and that place was, and I also was like, I'm very uninterested in decorating any place. And that place you don't need to decorate because it's like, beautiful. Um, so I think that was probably my first like, this is really important to me in terms of the like, wedding planning process other than like, finding someone that I love to marry. Uh, yes, I always, uh, think that, uh, venue was really important, and then, uh, I worked at a photography studio right out of high school before I went to college, and so, um, yeah, so I was like, um, venue, food, Which, coincidentally, was in the same place, because it's all about the party vibe. Uh, photography, and then, like, because party, and like, DJ, so like, those were kind of like the priority hit list. And then, um, you know, immediately texting all your family and besties, like, once we secured the location, to be like, and I hope that you're available before we even save the dates, because I can't imagine having a special day without your people. Yeah, absolutely. Did you guys have any, like, worries or concerns when you were planning and how did you address that? So, I feel like there's probably, like, two concern categories. There's, like, do you have the professional concerns, like, with your vendors, like, we've been talking about and whatnot. So, like, that, we had no problem with what so ever, because like, we knew Cafe Lercotte had pictures of queer couples on their website, you know, things like that. So that was, that was good, um, we, um, we knew we were hiring a queer DJ was really important to us that we had been to a wedding for and we're like, you're amazing. And then I think there are like the worries and concerns more than on like the family side. Yeah. So you had, you're like the family side here. You talk about your big ass family. Um. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I saw it midway through. I was like, I could, I could kill my mom. No. Um, um, no. Um, I have, there's some family concerns. So, and it's not the ones you might think. So, I have a really large family. I have 50 first cousins. Uh, Benjamin has three first cousins. Um, my sister had 400 people at her wedding. Um, and my mom was like, this is nothing, you should have seen mine. And I was like, which one? Um, and, so they had, so, I'm used to having these really big Mexican weddings, right? Well, it was like, the venue was dictating a lot of stuff with our wedding. There was only, I think they were like, max, and people are sitting in the balcony, 150. Um, so they were like 1. 30 on the floor comfortably, I think is what it was. Um, that, which we wanted. And so I let the space kind of dictate that, and that ruffled some feathers. Um, several pissed cousins. Um, and interesting because it was like, we almost had the opposite problem a little bit that, and I say this realizing how fortunate we are, my cousins were like, I'm sad I didn't get to be at your wedding. I think that's a really great problem to have, so we, I had to like, have a conversation with my parents about this, and it was like, Either I start picking favorite cousins, or we draw a line in the sand and say like, aunts and uncles only, and that's the route we went. So it was just my parents, siblings were invited. Um, yeah. I definitely, there were some people that were mad at me. Said that to my face. So if you divide your wedding headcount in half and you're like, Okay, you get 50 and I get 50 or whatnot, and then you realize how big your significant other's side is, you'll notice that all the friends end up in your column because family all shows up in their column. Yes, and that is accurate. Um, I was like, I didn't know these people until I met you. They're in your column. That's awesome. It was, it was tight in there. I did bump into a few elbows, but. It was beautiful. It was very beautiful. Um, would you, now like looking back in retrospect, is there anything you would have changed in how you handled things or did things? I have one that was upsetting. In terms of like the wedding planning itself, I think things went really smoothly, I'll let Benjamin talk about some of his stuff, but I had a family member, an aunt, who decided not to come to the wedding, Um, but also like, didn't respond to RSVPs, uh, phone calls or text messages. extra hurtful because this person is my dad's sister. She took care of me from the time I was eight weeks old until I went to kindergarten. And like, there was a point in my life where I like thought this woman was my mother. Um, and that was, that was killer. So I mean, if I could go back and uninvite her and invite somebody cool. Um, but like that one, I mean, there's still a rift there. Um. And that is really hurtful. Um, Yeah. I joke that I say no notes. Like I don't think I have anything I'd change in retrospect. It's funny though because people come up to me from our wedding and like things that they wish they would have done differently, like, behavior wise. Like, we had a good friend that's like, I am so sorry. I, like, embarrassingly fell so hard on the dance floor. I had a little too much to drink and was apologizing. And we both went, we don't know what you're talking about. So, like, whatever you think made a big splash or something on wedding day, we're like, no. And actually, I prefer this story where other people know about it and we didn't. And we're like, tell us more about the fall. Yeah, there were a lot, there were a lot of, like, Mom's first night out's going on at our wedding. So there was like, and then so and so was just a mess. And I was like, I didn't see any of it, but I love to hear it. But if there, I said something like the day afterwards, and I was like, if something went wrong, I don't know about it, and I don't want to hear about it. Um, so if there was anything that you dealt with. Don't tell me. No, it was all great. Um, this was not on the, on the list of questions, but I feel like you just have to talk about how the night, not ended, but you know what I'm talking about. Progressed, oh yes. Yes, yes. Would you share that? So one of the things I always like think about for weddings is like, you need to infuse you and your personalities into your wedding. So if there's anything you feel obligated to do, I mean, A, you decide if you actually do, or like, how do you make it your own? Um, and so for us, we just wanted it to feel like us. So like, yeah, did I want to have our recessional be the Star Wars theme song? Hell yes! Um, or like, for example, we're like, on Tony's side, we're like, uh, how can we, like, bring the Mexican heritage to life? Did we have mariachi at our, like, social hour? Yes, we did. Um, we're very, um, obsessed with drag culture, so did we want to have a drag queen, um, surprise everyone unannounced during the dance party? Yes, we did. Um, and then, you know, do you kind of say at one point to your new friend photographer, be like, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, could you just stay a few more minutes because I'm about to go put on an Ursula wig and an Ursula t shirt and a trident and surprise my new husband with a dance to poor unfortunate souls because that's who I am deep down as a person. Yes, I did. So I think like finding all those moments, even from like the little touches, like You know, we didn't work big on, like, a guest book per se, but we, I love having a huge extensive postcard collection that I have that are just weird postcards, and I'm like, I want everyone to write us a postcard that we keep forever instead of a book, you know? So I feel like any moments you find like that Um, I'm here for it. I'm cheering you on. Yeah, I think the So I grew up in a big old Catholic family. Um, and so it's like, I don't know, you know, everybody else got married in the Catholic Church. Wasn't an option. Though I think my mom literally was like, I found a priest that could make I was like, we're not doing some sort of like undercover Catholic service. She was like, I know this guy. And I bet you he would do it. But we can't tell anybody. And I'm like, um I was like, I love that. Um So, like, we had, um, in Mexican culture, there is this thing called the laso, it's very similar to, like, maybe lighting a unity candle, and it, like, went over the both of us, so I had, and then you do these coins that represent prosperity and your marriage, um, and then we went and lit, and we got married in the month of October, so we had an ofrenda set up, because for Day of the Dead, and we had pictures of family members, we walked over there together with the laso on, lit a candle while the music from CoCo was playing, my dad is weeping, um, like with a handkerchief. It was very cute. Um, and yeah, that was, and then like our readings too, like we did pick something from the Bible, but then the other one that you really liked and picked was from Winnie the Pooh, which Winnie the Pooh always makes me cry. And I had outfit changes. Yes. And that was the other thing that made it real gay. That was. Cause I was like, how can I infuse all white silk chiffon see through shirts into tonight? My mom was like, okay. It was so good though. So good. Well, now that you've established that you're absolute pros and had a perfect day with no notes, um, what would be your advice to other queer couples planning? Any advice? I, I think I have two. Um, one, keep the money in the neighborhood, and by that I mean hire queer people, um, to do your stuff is the best decision. And then don't let the Like, the party portion of it, and I'm not just talking about reception, I'm talking about the whole day, don't let the planning of this event get bigger than your marriage. I just, that's the one thing, like, and there were a couple moments where I got inside my own head and was like, no, we both need to do this one thing, because I saw it on fucking TikTok, and then I was just like, but this isn't us, so like, stick to who you are, but don't let it get bigger than your relationship. Because after the party's done, you have to go home with this person, theoretically forever. Um, and, you don't want to have any weird fan I don't know, just don't make it weird. Um, so I say make it weird. No, but like I already said, like, find every moment to like infuse everything that's about you two into the day. And I also like You know, it's not just about, like, that time when, like, the wedding starts. Like, that whole day is yours, so, like, for us, like, it was really important that, like, I want to go out with, like, my VIP gal pals and, like, have brunch that morning, you know? Like, so finding things like that where it's, like, no, like, I want to, like, remember every moment of the day, and That I went out to brunch is you're like locked in a hotel room with all your people He was like, yeah, we went out to brunch. I was like, you had time for brunch this morning? And he was like, yeah, what did you do? I was like started hair and makeup at 7 I'm like, I did my own hair! Uh, yeah, and so, I think, and then, actually, the other tip that, this is one that I heard online, and I did think, I'm like, I'm totally gonna do this, and then we forgot the day of, so for people that do decide to, like, get married in front of their loved ones and whatnot, um, I heard this great tip that if you have people standing up with you, put them on the side. behind your partner, so you're staring at your people. And same thing with like, not that we did sides, but like, same thing with like, oh, have them be on the side you're staring at. So, I mean, Tony, I'm so glad I was staring at Tony's people who stood up, but I forgot that I have, and afterwards I'm like, I watched our video, videographer, and so I'm like, I had no idea that like, my brother was crying behind me, which maybe is for the best that I didn't see, because I turned into a puddle, but that's mine. And I was giving him eyes. I was like, Skylar, stop crying. This isn't about you. Um, no, it was really nice to like be looking at your mom and like, I don't know. I, I'm not a crier. Um, and the one thing that did make me cry on our wedding day. is, after I walked down the aisle, Ben's mom hugged me and said, I love you so much, please take care of my boy. And I was like, oh, that one got me. Yeah. It was very sweet. It was very sweet. There was, I got a lot of crying pictures. Tears everywhere. So many ugly criers. Oh my god, my niece So, my siblings are substantially older than me. A lot of my nieces and nephews are adults. So, context. Um, I have a niece that lives in Colorado. She's 25 years old. Um, her and I are very close. I always jokingly say that I basically raised that kid by myself, even though I was 12 when she was born. Um, She brought her boyfriend over to the wedding and we love him very much, his name is Arturo, he's from Mexico. So he had like this big Stetson, he's this big jacked Mexican dude with this big Stetson hat on, like a big cowboy hat on. He's met us, he had met us like a handful of times at that point. That man audibly wept through the entire thing. Just, and there was all, there's pictures of him like pulling a handkerchief out and like It's like an old Mexican man thing to do, him and my dad. Just like, dabbing their eyes. And then, afterwards he came up to us and goes, This is the fanciest wedding I've ever been to. He had some great dance moves, too. He was crushing it. He loves to dance. He loves to Actually, sorry, this is just a good Arturo story. We were We went to another wedding of another family member recently, and it was a Jewish wedding, and so they do the Hora thing where they lift them up, and the DJ goes, I need, like, six strong men to come help me lift these couples up. He, like, was pushing people out of the way and was like, This is my time, I want to do it. Oh, I love that. Will this, oh, were you gonna say something? Nope. Okay. This whole time has been super fun, but just to end on a really fun note, what was, like, your favorite part of your wedding? So I, I know exactly what it is. Took me a second. Um, so we had our first dance and I'm just having the time of my life holding my husband and we're dancing like this and my brother who has, um, our niece and nephew. He sets my nephew down. He was our ring bearer. He was all of. Two years old at the time and my brother sat him down for a moment and Jude ran out onto the dance floor and yells And we scooped him up because he just wanted to dance with us and so the three of us dancing like I'm like I have everything I love right here in my arms, besides my baby niece, Rosie, who's over there. But it was just everything I, like, didn't know I needed, and my friend, Callie, just happened to capture it on video, and you just hear her going, oh, you guys! So that's probably mine. Oh my god, are you kidding me? Yeah, are you kidding me? Yeah. Cause he just, he has this funny little way of, it's funny, funny! Yeah. Um. It was very adorable. Mine was, my outfits, no. Um, mine, what, there was a couple of really special moments. I'm gonna give you two, cause I can. Um, one is just, the, the moment I got to, like, take those pictures with me, you, and my mom in the hallway. And that, my mom, also not a crier, I like, she was, gave me a kiss on the forehead and then she, I looked up and she was bawling. And I was like, really? Right now? Um. And that was really, that was really special. Um, and then, our last, the last song we requested the DJ to play at the end of the night is, Always and Forever, the Betty Who version of the song. I love you always forever. Yeah, so that was, Betty Who's got a deep, like, deep vein in our relationship, um, because gay. And So that was like the last song we danced to at the end of the night, and that was just really, I had that psyched permanently. Seared in my brain. Yeah, I love that. Everybody give it up for Ben and Tony! And thank you for being so awesome on our wedding day! You guys made it easy, you made it easy. You guys can stay, cause we're gonna do, um, This is the part of the evening where we're opening things up for Q& A. So Kaylee, if you also want to join, um, Kaylee helps run all the wedding aspect side things here, so she can also speak to that. Um, I do have some questions that folks submitted in early, but let's open up the floor here. Do any of you guys have questions? I didn't know it was gonna be so official. Um, okay, so I'm speaking as a G. L. B. T. Q. A. person who does wedding photography. I know that you said you wanted to keep it in the neighborhood of, of queer vendors. How, I mean, is there a space for people like me who are in the alliance, who support you but I'm not queer myself? I will say a hundred percent. Um, I will say, and I think we told this to Ana when we first met, so I worked at that photography studio. My whole life, I imagined the person I worked for, who is a straight photographer, I always imagined she would take My photo's that wedding day. Um, by the time we, we decided to get married, um, Jamie's like, oh my gosh, I have a wedding that day. And it was like a different, and so it was in that space where it's like, oh, we were totally like, I think we say like, the LGBT community to end our allies to where it totally was. And then it just, so then coincidentally in all of our, um, searching and like aesthetic and everything, that, that's how we, um, stumbled upon it. Yeah. So the answer is yes. I think too that falls into like what we discussed earlier. I think that falls into like It's so different for every couple and like what they have capacity for and like what what their vision is for the day So like Some people are like, I honestly just would feel like, safer with somebody that's like part of the community. And some people are like, honestly, as long as they like, have practice, know what they're doing, are a great human, it doesn't really matter. So, yeah. Any other audience questions it's Katie, right? Kaylee. Kaylee, sorry. Um, so, as someone who hosts, or, or at least, um, is a, the one at the venue working with couples coming in here, what is, like, a request you would make of couples that are hoping to do weddings, or, or what's a red flag, um, for couples that are, that are working with you? Yeah, so I'm the events manager. I manage everything from sales to the actual execution of the day. So I'm working with couples who normally the venue is the first thing they book and from that they're talking through how they pick the different venues, what they need to do for all of the different venues. vendors they have during the day and from that, red flags that I always warn is someone who's not comfortable with talking to you about it. If you have questions and they default to what I can best describe is just like, you know, the hospitality front, that's not someone you want to go with. You want to go with someone who's fine with saying, yes, we love having queer weddings here. Yes, we love having you here and you're more than welcome. Not just we love everyone. Um, so for that, just asking those questions and if they're not comfortable covering those topics for you, maybe that's something that you consider going with someone else, whether they're an ally with it or not, they're comfortable covering that with you. So my question kind of goes along with theirs, um, but as like a queer couple, what are some questions that you speak to the venue? Like, ask them personally, like what, yeah. Specifically to the venue? Yeah, specifically to the venue. I'll say something first, and I'll pass it to you guys since you are the couple who asked. Um, so some direct questions we've had. We've had a lot of couples before, even though we are queer owned ourselves, not divulge that information and then gauge the response before. So that's something non verbal you can do beforehand. Um, especially if you have a more non binary or non gender conforming name or a way that you could use that. Um, and then when you get there, immediately asking if they've hosted any other queer weddings, if they have any examples. If they only have pictures of straight cis couples on their website, that's something that should raise a red flag for you in general. Um, and if they can't cover that, asking what non traditional ways they have gone about accommodating people who don't want the full arch, full ceremony. Um, and they should be able to give you some non traditional weddings that they have had, or at least, you know, weddings of different religions, different cultures. And if they can't, that's also a flag. And I would ask how they With vendors working with them specifically how they work with those if they have any recommendations They can give you who are queer because I have a list of queer photographers. You're on it. Hi And different queer vendors that I can offer them that aren't just allies and then I have a different list of allies For those people of different comforts But there's not one person on my list that I would not recommend to a queer couple. Because if I'm not comfortable recommending them, they cannot work with us. Something I'll throw into is asking questions to about like, for whatever reason, sometimes venues are weird about like getting ready stuff. So like, obviously, like the spaces, that's a big one that hopefully over time will change to be like more, Like neutral spaces or at least just like different themes versus like, oh, this is the brada suite and this is the groom suite But I've had like a lot of couples say that Venues are really strange about like I'm asking to get ready together because like some couples like want to get ready together and they're like Oh, are you sure like that's kind of weird so I think maybe like thinking through like what you're envisioning on your day and like making sure that you ask that to the venue to And I think you kind of touched on this, too. I think one thing, especially with the venue, too, is asking them to see their preferred vendor list. Not necessarily because, um, you want to pick everything off of that, but I think it's also telling of a venue, too, because, like, it's exciting to, like, see anything from queer businesses to women owned businesses to BIPOC businesses and whatnot, too, so I think that just, like, tells a lot about their value systems, too, so that's, like, an easy thing to ask for and see. Finding that, like, first trusted resource, too, that can help guide you along the way. Whether that's, like, the, the person, um, working at the event, or the photographer, like, you pointed us in the direction. You know, we had some ideas and stuff, but it was, same with our DJ, she, um, had lots of, uh, options for us, too. She's like, you know, I know a good person. So it just, we felt really comfortable. We picked all the right people to, like, be on our side and make this wedding feel like us. But we didn't feel like we had to, like, compromise anything weird. I never felt, like, I don't know, and I think there's a lot of, like, privilege in some of those situations, too, though, like, you know, someone mentioned the bridal, like, I think Lurkat was like, this is the bridal suite, and I was like, that's for me! Um, so, you know, playing into some of it probably isn't great, but, um. Anyways. You win some, you lose some. Any other questions? I guess for you both, um, in what aspects did you want to have like your queer identity or uniqueness celebrated? And in which ways did you kind of want to feel like we're the same as anyone else? Um, yeah. I will say, so I think some of the elements, right, so we like had a drag queen, you know, that's like a celebration of, um, kind of the queer community. I think there were other little things that like, how do I want to, how do I want to put this? I Kind of felt, and this is like a, maybe an experience, it's probably just my experience, um, where I was like, I got really nervous about the whole, like, who's the girl situation, um, because I know the answer's me. But like, because, like, I am the, like, more outwardly effeminate one of the two of us, and so I think it's easy for people to point at me, and like, physically, I'm substantially shorter than my husband. So I think it's really easy for people to point at me. And then there were things I was doing too, right? So I'm like, um, Wearing all white. Perhaps. That's maybe one of the things. But it's like, I want to still be a groom. But be allowed to do all of these other things. Regardless of my gender. Or like, how I'm expressing my gender. Like, and Benjamin's always been really supportive, and I was like, well, does this mean, like, what does, and he was like, this is just, be who you want to be, and be that type of groom. You can define what a groom looks like. We, you know, it's 2023 when we got married, um, we get to decide, and we're paying for this thing, we get to decide exactly how we want, how we want everything to go. And how we want to be referred to, and how we want to present ourselves to the world. And for me, I'm also one of those people that, like, kind of, the second part of your question, like, what things do you want to be the same? Like, I like to, there's some things, like, from that side of the fence, I'm like, that's not just for straight people, I can do that too. So, like, I wanted to, like, you know, I wanted to go get, like, our custom suits made at the tuxedo shop I heard about when I worked at a bridal store in North Dakota called Hymie's Haberdashery. I'm like, someday, I'm gonna get married there. And I didn't know it would be to a man, but then later Later on I grew up and I did, and so there are things like that where I'm like, I, this isn't just for certain people, like, I want to, you know, exchange rings and do some of these, like, very traditional, like, things about, like, you know, having a really cute ring bearer walk down the way and things like that, where I'm like, this is special to us, and this, we can help define what weddings are that aren't just on one side of the fence, yeah. Oh, we had all of our wedding party to wear tuxes. Including the ladies, and it was so chic and cool looking. So just throwing that out there as like a hat tip to play with gender. I have, uh, some questions that were submitted in, unless there's any more. Okay, so we are two broke lesbians working in special education and social work, and we are just very overwhelmed. We're like, I don't know how we're going to afford all of this, and, you know, not do it by the time we're 50. Um, so I was just curious, like, in that navigation, because we all have to navigate, like, budgetary restrictions and prioritization, how did y'all go about figuring out what was most important to you? And like, where you were willing to compromise, where it's like, okay, the dream is to have like 5, 000 roses hanging from the ceiling, but I can't do that. So just curious, like, how budget and priority is playing in for you. So I think it's kind of funny, I'm like using the comparison is like we start to like consider like possibly like buying a house like starting with like what are your non negotiables or your deal breakers and like so we all said like where do we want to put our money that is like the most important to us and so for us like that our biggest thing was the venue and like we are very lucky that that also then included the food in like into what we were doing and that food was so important and And then there are the things, like, people put money, you know, toward the things that are important to them. So, like, for example, where it's like, flowers were not the most important thing to us. But, um, I have a dear friend who has a well known business of, uh, Flower farm and we're like we're just looking for like really beautiful like simple greenery on our wedding day And so like that was like even it was still special to us, but we weren't like Prioritizing like some of the expense there and whatnot and I will Yes, also say we decided to like get married. We got engaged and married within one year. And so I will say like I Have never saved so hard in 12 months of my life So I had this idea of, like, you know, just growing up around all these really traditional weddings, being like, so the invitations are made of pearl, and then they, there's seven pieces, and people respond with a little card and a quill. Um, we ended up having, uh, Ben's person of honor slash one of our One of his best friends from childhood and now a very good friend of mine, like, design our invitation. So there was, like, things like that, that, like, ask your friends to help you with stuff, um, if they have, like, specific talents. Cause that's, like, a great wedding gift is, like, here's the design to your wedding invitation. We had another friend that's an illustrator do some stuff for, like, us. Too like that. So yes, and I say if you have any extracurricular skill sets, like anything you can like trade to in a way that has been awesome too. So like I did some like, work on the side and then like got our invitations like printed and so like, that was like a trade that way. So like all those like little things, um, you know, you, um, beg, borrow, barter. Don't steal. Steal your way to making it happen. I think steal stuff too, though. Like if it's, yeah, steal. Yes, rob them blind! BK, do you cry? Um, I do have your invite on my refrigerator. I refuse to take it down. It's, Their invite is so good. It's so cute. Yeah, basically just piggybacking off of what you said. Some vendors, like, really are willing to barter and, like, trade. Oh, I shouldn't say barter. Trade. Um Like someone approached me once and was like, hey, we're getting married. I'm a professional landscaper. Can I landscape your yard and you'll photograph my wedding? And I was like, absolutely you can. So I'd say that. There are lots of vendors who will do like payment plans, like splitting things up. So definitely be sure to ask about that. And then I think they kind of already touched on it. But something that I've heard couples say is helpful for them is if you like are picturing your day and you're like, We can literally only hire, or pick three things, like what three things are those, if like in theory those were the only three things, even though I'm sure that won't be the case, what three things are those, and then you kind of know like, what your priorities are. So, coming at it from like a logistical standpoint, because I have, you know, my higher ups pushing this, and they more of give me the prices. If you're looking for more of a cheaper venue, Fridays, Sundays. Sundays are going to be more cheaper. If you go for a weekday, that's going to be the cheapest, but it's going to be a little bit inconvenient for your guests. From there, you can also edit the amount. So if you align with our values or align with any other venue's values, use that in your digression. Queer discount. You can put it out there. Um, ours will do it. We get owned by two older lesbians who got married with 12 people who attended. They're going to do it. Always put that out there. The worst you can get is no. Um, with that, you want to try to find a venue that includes more. So we have, like, our linens, we have chair covers, we have decor. All of our people can use this. It says on the website you have to rent it for this amount. If you ask me to have it on your day and you've already booked it, I'm not going to force you to pay me for the linens. And a lot of other vendors do the same thing. So just try to be confident with it and the worst you can hear is no. I have rejection anxiety. I'm going to cry when they tell me no and that's totally valid. But the worst they can say is no and then you can look at another one. And you can even come back and they're going to be like, wonderful, you decided to go with us anyway. And there's going to be no Harfeld on you. We also have our own catering that we do, and we have a built in bar. Other places do make you charge for that. Some places make you charge to do even a tour. So make sure you're asking all of these questions up front. I'm not going to think you're cheap if you are, and if you're worried about a vendor person thinking you are cheap if you're asking all the prices up front, they don't deserve to be in their spot. Okay. Just, um, one quick question that was submitted in is, um, someone wondering about, like, how to talk to hair and makeup people, um, both about, like, yourself and if you happen to have, like, a queer Wedding party? Did you work with somebody? I can't remember. Yeah, did you want to talk to that a little bit? So I had someone come in and my mom and my sister were like, we need updos. And I was like, of course. Um, and so I went to the person that cuts my hair. And I was like, Megan, can you help me? I know you cut my hair and half of gay Minneapolis's hair. That's why we all have the exact same haircut. Um, can you help me? And she was like, I don't do women's hair. Let me go talk to someone. And she talked to somebody and she was like, This person has done lots of queer weddings, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then, you know, again, I found a trusted resource, somebody that I know is like, somebody that I've danced with at the saloon, so I know I can trust her. So I got some information from her, and then that's how we picked, um, the gal that came and did my mom's hair and stuff, and my sister's hair. One thing I would just say to that is, I have actually an episode about this, so, you know, feel free to go listen to my old episodes. But, um, I wouldn't kind of look at how like their pricing structure is to like, if they are saying like, Oh, I charged this much for brides, but I only charged this much for grooms. Like if they have more of like a, A system that's based off of, like, length of hair, or like, number of people, like something that's a little bit more neutral, because that's just like the worst when someone that has short hair but happens to be a woman gets charged so much more because they're a woman, even though they're getting the same haircut. So, um, I would just look out for people who have a little bit more, like, neutral options in how they price things. And also hopefully have examples of like, a wide variety of people exhibited in their work too. So, I think we are going to wrap this up. Thank you everybody so much for coming. This was such a blast. Thanks you guys. guys.