Queerly Beloved
Queerly Beloved
58. Let Us Have the Cake Too, Brenda
You'll have to listen all the way to see why I named it this ;)
Thank you to all for submitting your answers and for fighting to keep this a right for a long time to come.
As mentioned, here are some resources for folks to help find lawyers to protect yourselves and your partners, with or without a wedding:
The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic
Queerly Beloved, I'm so glad you joined!
Please keep the community going by checking me out on instagram @wildlyconnectedphoto and come say hi! I'd love to hear from you! :)
We beloved, welcome. Welcome. If you are new here, this is the podcast for all things queer weddings and beyond. And I'm your host Anna. I use she her pronouns, and I am the owner of Wildly Connected Photography. And I'm so excited to be back with you all today. I know it's been a little bit of a minute. So thanks for your patience. With the break, I was traveling in Ireland, photographing some elopements and checking it out and meeting people and hanging out with my fiance, and it was, it was just so good. For those of you who don't know though I've talked about it enough times that it's probably annoying. I'm also planning my own wedding and elopement for this year and. I'm so excited about that. But as I'm sure you know, uh, if you are also planning your own celebration, it can be, it can be a lot and take up a lot of mental space. And it's also just kind of a weird time to be doing so, so just wanted to give you all some updates and kind of check in with you all. But I'm, I'm really excited for this week's episode. And yeah, I also just wanted to say you might be. Noticing some new things around the podcast. And yeah, I just, I really want this podcast to keep growing and I will always find ways and avenues to talk about queer weddings.'cause I think that's so important and so not talked about enough. But also as I'm growing and changing and evolving, I want to also find ways to talk about things that are relevant to the community. Whether that be things that are bringing joy or things that help inform us, yeah, I just, I really want this to keep growing and yeah, just to, not necessarily to give myself a huge pat on the back or anything, but most podcasts usually record somewhere between three to 20 episodes before they die, and that's no shade. But I'm currently recording episode 58 and. You know, this podcast is far from perfect, but I am so glad to have it and it's been so fun to see it grow over the years, and I just, I wanted to keep doing that. And I guess I'm just saying that I'm in it for the long haul with a U-Haul. Sorry, not sorry. Okay. And so on that note of continuing to grow and change and evolve, I am introducing a new segment into the podcast, and it's gonna be super fun, but still informative. And so get ready. The new segment is called No Homo, except for that, obviously I know I'm, I'm doing this visually, but it's no, as in KNO, like. The more you know but no homo. And I thought this would just be a super fun way to kick off each new episode. And honestly I think this stems from the fact that sometimes I still feel so like I'm a baby gay sometimes. I know there's some controversy even with that term. But yeah, I just, I feel like. The more that I'm in community, like the more I learn and I'm like, wait, do other people know this? And so it's gonna be a super fun time to learn some vocabulary, learn some new topics. Maybe it's a news thing that just happened. So if you have anything that you would like to discuss for the. No homo section of the podcast. Feel free to email me or DM me. Always looking to expand my knowledge of the queer community and I. I would also like to say that it won't be all fun in games. There will be times too when I'm sharing informational things or things that might just benefit the community. So with that in mind, are you ready this week on No, homo. The word is Twan. A twink is a more muscular version of a twink. While a twink is a label or stereotype that refers to a young hairless thin gay man in their early TW twenties, T twink describes a more toned, chiseled version of that. Both terms are popularist by gay men and have since extended to other parts of the LBTQ. Community. Wow. Thanks Wiki. How, and also, shout out to my friend Jack for informing me and inspiring me to. Also realize sometimes that I feel like I know nothing. So there you go. Is is the word of the weak? If you're looking for a visual reference, I saw some people on the interweb saying that Justin Bieber could potentially be an example if you were queer. Also if you are familiar with the show, heart Stoppers, some people were kind of using, nick as an example. So if you're a visual person, there you go. So thank you so much for joining me on No Homo this week, but also, yes, homo. Alright, let's dive into the episode. So this week I really wanted to discuss the importance of gay marriage and, and the weight that it holds. The way that it's always held, even before its existence but also in today's climate. And before I dive too, too far in, I also wanna call out that whether or not a queer couple decides to get married, that does not make their relationship any less valid, any less special, or hold any less weight. It's not always been an option, first of all. So we have to recognize that and recognize that not every couple had the chance to do so, or it just doesn't feel right for every couple. And so, I'll talk about this a little bit more later on, but I just wanna say that we are talking about queer weddings and of course that's the theme of my podcast, but. That doesn't mean that it's the end all be all or has to be for everybody. And yeah, just also taking a second to recognize that what hasn't always been an option it's it's really amazing that we do get to talk about it and at least for the moment that it's an option to us. So, yeah, kind of recognizing both of that. And it's also worth remembering that national marriage equality has only been legal since 2015. Like it's barely been a decade, and there are lawmakers who've made it clear that they want to roll that back. So, the reason I kinda wanna talk about this week is I think it's just so hopeful to hear from the community just how much it means to us. And also I think just having this episode existing in the world when there are people who don't understand why we are starting to feel. You know, hesitancy or feel scared or people who just still don't understand why we care so much about it or how this affects us. So I think it's, it's really important on both sides. And so let's just dive in. I asked you all on my Instagram to share your own personal thoughts on. What having gay marriage meant to you or what it felt like, and so many of you wrote in, and I'm so, so grateful for that. It was, it was really, really cool to be able to read all of your responses and so I won't be able to read all of them, but I do want to read some of them. So thank you again. All right. Here we go. First one is showing younger queer people that it is possible to have a love that isn't defined by heteronormativity. Heck, yes, absolutely representation matters. Another one of you wrote, I feel like marriage is something I've just always looked at and wanted to be a part of. One day, having parents that were divorced since basically my birth, I've always been a lovesick and hopeless or romantic, hoping one day I'd meet my person and be able to marry them and we would live happily ever after. So for love and life, of course, but also for the security of being safe and recognized as partners for life in an emergency and in any situation where things might be questioned. It is a huge reason and is so important. I'm getting married in June of this year, and as much as I have loved the journey of being engaged, I can't help but wonder what we're against here with the state of the government and president. I can't wait for our wedding day for the main reason that we'll be recognized by law in the state and as a couple, and that alone will be a huge sigh of relief in my life. 100% to the person who wrote this in like recognizing the duality of like, yes, of course I love my person and I'm excited about that, but it's also like holds all of these important aspects. And also just recognizing like as a little kid, you know, seeing this thing that seemingly everybody older than you is doing, but maybe it looks like something different than you're picturing. And so. Getting to do that with the person that feels right for you and isn't defined by heteronormativity as the person before said is, is amazing. All right. Another one says security, but also equality. I love just as deeply and with as much passion as straight couples. My love is not less than just because I love a woman versus a man. Yes, say it louder for the people in the back. So true. You all are so amazing. All right, another one says, legally it's helped so much with saving money by combining finances and having peace of mind about medical emergencies and other emergencies. Romantically, it's about making a choice to be with someone. I feel this funny tension with queer marriage where I'm both proving that our love is like everyone else's and also totally unique and different. Okay. Yes. So much thank you to this person for like putting very succinctly and eloquently what I feel like I've spent an entire podcast on trying to explain of just this like. Even now when we're talking about it, it's like, yeah, we want what everybody else has, but also we like see how this is so unique and different. So thank you so much. That is, that is so accurate. Alright. One of you wrote the feeling of That's my family. I don't know how to explain it just feels like a hug knowing we're all in. Yes, absolutely. Many of you wrote in things about medical security and just. How safe that feels knowing that you have the ability to make decisions if one of you isn't able to. So lots of shout outs to medical security. One of you wrote TVHA big middle finger to the patriarchy. Oh, you have an institution designed to favor hetero men jokes on you. That's amazing. Thank you so much. We have another representation and hope for the younger queers. We deserve love just as much as the hetero couples. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. And then someone else wrote in freedom, security benefits children and sharing parents legally safety and rights also protection from family and others. If she dies, they can't take my home from out, from me. So, lots of reoccurring themes there, but also so important, and thank you all so much for sharing that with us. You all are beautiful writers and say things so well and I, I couldn't agree with you all more so, because you all were so brave and shared your generous words and time. I also kind of just wanted to take. A quick second to share what this means to me personally. So to be honest, I used to like fear the concept of marriage. Like I was so scared of it. I, I, I remember having conversations with my closest friend in high school like many times, like, you know, when we would call each other after school, having these conversations of like. I like, I just, I can't even imagine, like I'm, I'm so scared to think about my wedding and to think about how I'm gonna have to marry this man. And the same day that I marry him is also the same day that we move in together. And it is also the same day that we're having sex for the first time, like. That's just, I mean, that's how I was raised was that you have to marry a man, but you're also not allowed to live together and you're not allowed to have sex before you get married. And I know many of you are no strangers to that concept, but like I was terrified and like thinking about it now, like I would still be terrified. That sounds terrifying. Like, I mean, yes men gross, but also like just all of that like. Oh, it just, it, I, talking to so many of like my female classmates, like, they were so excited and, you know, like making lists about like what their future husband was gonna be like and having lists for all their baby names when we were like 15. And like, I just, I could never relate because I was truly terrified. Like, I feel like it kept me awake at night. So. Anyways, a little tangent there. But I think going from something that felt truly, truly dreadful to me because I could never see myself doing it, and because at the time I was like, my only option is to marry a man, and that is not only my only option, but it's like truly what's expected of me, like the community and how I was raised. Like even being single wasn't really an option. Like it was my only option to find a man, to marry him and to have many children. And so to come from that and to now have found my now fiance where I've been able to feel things I never knew were possible. I just like it means so much. And. I've said this before, but truly and honestly, coming out and getting to live the way that I do now has, has saved my life in so many ways. Even just knowing like the possibilities and expanding my understanding for what love felt like and can feel life. It has made my life just feel more safe and hopeful and joyful. I. And so even beyond the feelings and the love side of things I am marrying someone who has her own set of complex health issues. And I, I never want to be left out of a hospital room for her or have no say in each other's wellbeing. Yeah, I'd say that in combined with, with how being able to marry her makes me feel safe and loved and like I've never felt before. Alongside the rights and safety it grants us and, and just also being able to do the same thing that everyone else does. It, it feels pretty important. So, I feel like that's even just like us, the liver of what it means to me. Like, I don't know if I could fully say how much it does mean to me. So yeah. I also just wanted to say that it is so much about love and obviously we've already said that it's so much about healthcare, but it's also, you know, can mean immigration for some people. Taxes, and also for people like queer folks of color, disabled folks, trans folks like marriage can mean life-saving protections in some cases. So really wanting to acknowledge that it can affect different communities differently, but also. Going back to my point earlier on in podcast marriage is not for everybody and that is great, and it's not the end all be all. And I also just want to make sure that we say too, that I. It's definitely a weird time, but I hope that nobody is rushing into a marriage that they are not fully ready for and could have repercussions later. Just because you have fears of these things changing. I'm obviously, obviously not a legal, legal professional or understand, everything legally. But I do know that there are many ways to protect yourself and your partner as a couple without getting married. And there are ways to even do that further once you're married. So I really, really encourage you to wherever you live look at. Look at the laws and understand what options are available to you outside of marriage and find a local lawyer and start planning with'em. Also financial planners and find ways to protect yourselves that are even outside of marriage. And less things like. Completely, completely, completely go down the drain. There are ways to be able to have access to medical decisions and things like that outside of marriage. Obviously take everything I say with a grain of salt, but I. I will link a website in the show notes that has a list of trusted lawyers that you can reach out to and talk to about your specific concerns and needs. So look out for that if you so choose. Before I totally wrap up, I, I also just kind of wanted to address, you know, we've obviously just discussed like this means a lot to us for so many reasons. And I think even for those folks who don't necessarily see themselves, you know, being queer and having a, a queer marriage, like having queer marriage taken away says a lot and is not something that they would want, and that bears a lot of weight. I. And I, I think that it wouldn't be a complete episode without talking about, I feel like there's this, there's this strange camp of people who are like, just weirdly, like, I'm not really opposed to gay people, but also like, can't marriage just be between a man and a woman? You know? Like you guys can still be together, but like. You know, just let the straits have the marriage. You know, like, I don't understand, like it's just a piece of paper, you know? So like, I, like, I don't, I feel like some of you know what I'm talking about, right? Like there are these weirdos who are living in this like weird in-between and like, well, no, like I have a gay best friend. But also like, why do you have to have marriage? Like what, you know, calm down and sign. And so like. To a degree. I'm like, yes, as we've been saying, like our love goes beyond marriage. And to be clear, if gay marriage gets taken away, like you can't take our love from us, you can't take our identities from us. Like, those are things that you will never be able to strip away. And so in that sense. Sure Karen, but like on a completely different degree, you are wrong. And it is so important and it does hold a lot of weight. Like, okay, hear me out. Can you imagine someone saying, okay, like. All of these kids, they're allowed to have chocolate cake for dessert because they are this way and considered more normal. But these kids over here that are, you know, they're a little different. They get to have bananas for dessert. Don't get me wrong. Like bananas are great and one can make due. There's lots of nice desserts you can make with bananas, but having to go your whole life, never being able to have chocolate cake because you're deemed different would be pretty annoying. Right. Also chocolate actually has a lot of benefits when used appropriately. One of the benefits being happiness. So, you know, yeah, so basically saying you don't need the paper while straight people have unquestioned access to it is like telling someone in a burning house that oxygen is that important. It might not matter to you, but it is a lot to us. So yeah, I, I just, I wanted to make sure that that was discussed because. I feel like there's been this uprise too, and you know, more people being like, oh, why do you have to make it your whole identity? And like, it's not even like going anywhere. Like, I don't know what you mean. While all of these things are very actively happening in the world. So anyway, Karen, hope you're listening. So yeah, I, this, our, our love and our marriage and our rights are, are powerful and they mean so much. And I hope that this episode can both serve as an affirmation to the queer folks listening that you're so valid for feeling this, for wanting this, for not wanting this to go away for wanting the same things as everybody else for wanting those rights and. Even just being able to say like, this is what I wanted growing up and now I get to do it. And that's amazing. Like I, I hope you feel affirmed knowing that It is, it is so valid and it is something that we should always be able to have and something we should never have to question if it goes away. And if you're someone who's never really thought about this, thank you for listening. I hope this gives you a reason to think a little differently next time this topic comes up at a family dinner or in your voting booth. But I also, yeah, I just hope that this episode can live as a resource for those who, who haven't listened and. Just get people to think a little bit differently about truly how much weight that this holds and how much our community values this. So I will leave you all with this. If you're queer, what does marriage mean to you and how do you hope that our community of both us, ourselves, and our alleys show up for it? And if you're not. How might it feel if your love had to be explained, debated, or limited by the law? So quarterly. Beloved, thank you so much for listening in. I hope that you will come back next week, uh, for another rendition of No Homo and of course another episode, and I hope you all have an amazing day.