59. Why Do Trends Feel So.... Straight?

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Really beloved. Welcome. Welcome. This is the podcast for all things queer weddings and beyond, and I'm your host. Anna, I use she her pronouns, and I'm the owner of Wildly Connected Photography, which focuses on queer weddings and elopements and creating safe spaces for couples of all sorts. So thank you so much for joining, if you're new, and for those returning. Thank you. Also how's everyone doing? Are we, uh, surviving? I, yeah, as always, life is lifeing, things are happening and I just so encourage everybody listening to try to find community. I. Try to find joy in the day to day. A few episodes back, I, in my show notes linked to just some ways to try to connect with community so I can relink those again. And I also, if you are in Minnesota, I have another community event coming up in May that'll be sharing more about shortly. Just an opportunity to meet other queer folks and make some new friends and also just have a chance to find some joy in all of the chaos. So please be on the lookout for that. So curious what all of you think about the new segment. No, homo, if you are just tuning in. No. Homo is a segment that is at the start of each episode diving into a new word term or cultural phenomena in the queer community, and it is. No, as in KNOW because yes to homo otherwise. But this week on No homo, we are talking about the Minnesota LGBTQIA two s plus community needs survey. Yay. I told you all it would be a mix of fun and practical, and I am sticking to that so. If you are not familiar with the survey, it is something that the state of Minnesota is doing to influence state level decisions that impact queer communities. Taking the survey can help direct funding and resources where they're needed and ensure that the survey reflects a diversity of voices and lived experiences. So. This survey is for queer individuals who are 18 and older and live in Minnesota. Or it can also be like parents and caregivers. I did the survey earlier. It was, took probably like maybe 30 minutes. But they do a really good job at like giving you little breaks and making sure you're sticking with it. It's like all multiple choice. So, it feels just like a really easy way for us to share our voice and they even have like a box about like, you know, kind of towards the end of the survey. That's basically just like, is there anything we miss on the survey that you think is really important for us to be able to find ways? To, you know, make laws or create additional support around. So really, really great resource and I highly encourage you all to take it and then maybe send it to your own little bubble of friends and community that can also take it. 'cause the more that they can learn from our community, the better. So. Thank you for joining me on No Homo. I promise next week's will probably be a little bit more fun. So stick around. Stick around. Alright, so jumping on into the episode, if you follow me on Instagram, you might be familiar with some of the reels that I've posted, and essentially those reels are talking about how. Things like mostly Pinterest is what I was focusing on, but you know, other, other similar platforms can really prioritize showing straight, white, thin, able bodied couples for weddings. And I think I really wanted to continue that conversation and sort of die further into like the idea of. Trends in particular, and like, I don't know what it is, but like this topic has kept popping in my mind. And so that's how I knew I had to talk about it. But I just like keep, I feel like I just see things like every day that I'm like, man, like this just feels so straight. And I promise to be as objective as possible, but. Also, some of this is just vibes. And I'm curious what y'all will feel on this too. I should say, like, I know that this week's topic isn't necessarily groundbreaking, just considering that objectively, like more straight people exist in the world than queer folks. Like the queer community is considered a minority at least that we know about or have statistics to report on. And so it's kind of like, well, yes, like. Weddings technically do serve more straight couples than queer couples objectively. So like of course there is some of that, but I also just feel like, yeah, I don't know the vibes man. Like some of these trends are just, yeah, they feel just so heteronormative. And obviously the goal of this podcast too is to create a future in which weddings don't feel like. It has to be either a straight or a queer wedding and like that weddings can just be what they are. And so, yeah, I just, I wanted to discuss a little bit like why this happens and how queer couples can respond. I also think that this would be a great one for vendors and allies to listen to, just to kind of see like what are you noticing in the kinds of things that you're consuming and what you're recommending to couples and so on, so forth. So. Yeah, so kind of on the vibes piece I think. It would actually be really probably great and maybe make this more objective to have a follow up episode with a couple who's either actively planning their wedding or recently planned. So if that's you and you're interested, please either DM me or email me. I'd love to discuss, but like what your perspective as a couple is on trends. But from my perspective as a vendor, I see a lot of like trends come and go, but like something that I'm thinking about right now is like, you know, also as a photographer, seeing kind of those trends and like something I'm seeing right now is this kind of like. Storytelling, cinematic something vibe come up, which to be so clear, like I absolutely love that as a concept and it's something I'm trying to like, see if I can integrate more into my work just to more authentically tell people's stories and stuff like that. So to be clear, this is also not to say like trends are bad. Like trends can be a great thing and. Of course I'm saying like, yeah, I'm, I'm excited about this, but like the, it just, it feels straight and I'll, I'll, I will make this a little bit more, uh, fact-based soon, but like there is something about, it's like, okay, you see all these photographers popping up and like doing, you know, like these cinematic things or like going and it's just like. It feels so straight. And of course, again, that does go back to like objectively, there are more straight couples probably being photographed than queer couples, but it's just like, I think sometimes it's because these trends play on traditionally masculine and feminine energies and sort of like thrive on like one person. Like each person in the couple, like falling into a box to be easily repeated. And so I think that sometimes like the trends don't always leave room for those outside of those vibes or like make people feel like it's harder to recreate or get the same goal if you are not like fitting in those traditional one masculine, one feminine person kind of energy. So those are just, that's what I've been thinking about a lot. And so to kind of give like a more specific example, let's just start with a little activity. So if everybody could, if you're listening on your phone or on your computer or whatever you can either feel free to listen along and do this, or pause the episode once I describe, and then go for it. And rejoin, however works best in your brain. But I would love if everybody. Could in either your browser or on Pinterest, try searching timeless wedding ideas and see what happens. I know everyone's algorithms might be a little bit different, but for me, I know I saw a lot of straight white cis couples being presented. That all looked very similar. Of course, leaving room for like. We can't know everyone's identities from a photo. But and I, I should say like this also happened, like I have been trying very hard to curate my algorithm to show diverse folks and diverse perspectives and still got this result. I tried this both on like incognito mode on my browser as well as like my personal browser and like. Uh, all of them very, very similar. Like everything looks the same. And it's so funny because I, I know I'm using timeless as an example, but I feel like that's definitely been a buzzword. And I, I, yeah, I just, I'm kind of like timeless for who, like timeless, I feel like usually means safe for the cis hat white. Wealthy couples. Like that's just how it feels. And I know again, like some of this might feel controversial 'cause I'm not like presenting facts and figures, but that is, that is how it feels. I. And even looking at like local cultural hubs, if you will, uh, for weddings, which since I'm in Minnesota, one of those would be considered Minnesota bride, which I have my own issues with. And even though they are inclusive and that they showcase. You know, gay couples or lesbian couples, they have tabs on their website. One's called trends, one's called inspiration, like kind of same, same. And they're all like very similar. And I feel like sometimes the visuals that we see, it's kind of like Eurocentric things that were built on, like very specific gender roles and races and things like that. And I just, things like trends being marketed as like timeless or elegant, I feel like can also just be coded for like traditionally straight. And I'll, I'll talk a little bit about this later, but sometimes I just worry that this leaves queer folks sort of being like. Is this for me? Like, or if I do this, will it be considered weird or potentially worse? Will it be like some groundbreaking thing and then it's just like this big to-do about something that's just like, well, for everyone else I thought it was just like timeless and classic. And so. Uh, yeah, I don't know. There's just something about so much of what I see that just like feels straight and it feels so frustrating sometimes. And yeah, I kind of wanted to talk also about like the weird duality of this topic too. Just because like, obviously. The gays have their things as well, which thank God for that. But you know, kind of recognizing that sometimes those trends have come out of necessity because, you know, obviously. For the time being, it has felt a little bit more safe to be queer, obviously. And I'm, I'm also talking about like here in the us also talking, you know, from a place of privilege recognizing that Minnesota has really great marriage laws and that is not the same in all 50 states. Or vibes may not be all the same. But you know, generally speaking like. Mainstream weddings still don't always reflect queer love and various dynamics. And so all originating back to my very first episode, like some of these things come from a place of necessity. And while the outcome is great, like obviously it's not ideal that that is why those things had to come to be, you know, things like. Uh, having to navigate how to walk down the aisle as a queer couple, who goes first? Are you both going? Who's walking? Who? You know, the way and structure of ceremony, like so many things that like, have come from a place of necessity and so. Like, that's great and I'm great that it, I'm, I'm, excuse me, I'm glad that it can apply across the board, but then it's kind of like, oh, a straight couple doesn't, and it's like fresh and chic or like a new thing to do. And so yeah, I, I think the duality is really hard, even in my brain because it's like, on the one hand, if. Things that come from the queer community don't catch on. It's like, well, they're like not that great or they're too out there or whatever. But if they do catch on, it's like also kind of frustrating 'cause it's like, wait, that was ours. Like I think something that's really coming to mind here is Chapel Rone at weddings. specifically seeing how to go at weddings. And let me tell you, that is just like, it feels like such a good example because it's like, on the one hand, you know, I shoot a lot of queer weddings and it's like you sh like. Going from photographing a queer wedding, that place hot to go, where like a lot of the friends are like queer themselves or maybe just like really solid allies who are aware of the happenings and like the energy is so high, like everybody knows the dance. It's so great to going to, a street wedding playing the same thing. And you look around and it's like dead silence besides maybe like the couple that requested it. Like it's just wild. And it's like, okay, on the one hand, like, yeah, chapels for the girls gaze and nays, like, we love this. But at the same time, like, why are people so weirded out about this song playing And like, you know, them being like, well this isn't the YMCA, you know, like, yeah, so I think, I think it is like a really weird spot to be in of like, we want to feel like the things we're creating are like getting acknowledged and like, yeah, we can be cool too, but at the same time, like, wait. This is kind of ours and like the straits have their own thing. Like do they really need this? I don't know. It's I, I guess I am saying this and putting this out there with like no real answer and I'm sure everyone feels a little bit differently about it, but I thought it was just important to mention that there is kind of this duality of like. Queer people want trends too. But like the origins of those trends can be vastly different and very differently received. So, yeah, I think just kind of wrapping up the episode I wanted to talk a little bit about like, you know, why this happens and, and some questions that you can ask yourselves. And when I say why this happens, I guess I'm kind of talking about like queer couples being in this spot of like, do, do we do this, do we not? And kind of like as I tried to hint to earlier. And in previous episodes, again, like if you are a queer couple listening and you're like, okay, but we actually really like these things and like this, having a wedding that feels timeless and elegant and, you know, X, Y, z, like really feels like us and it's something we've always thought about. And like, if you think about it for a while or ask yourselves these questions and like, it still feels like you great. That is okay. Like mainstream isn't bad. It's not a bad word. It's not a bad thing. Trends aren't bad. Well let me, there probably are some trends that are not great especially if it involves eating a Tide pod or something like that. However. I guess I'm just saying like, no shame in the game ultimately, like do what feels right for you as a couple. But I just wanna like bring this up to sort of make sure that that is accurate. And yeah, I just like I asking yourself. Do we want this because we like it or because we've told we're supposed to want it, you know? And I think that is not always like people going around being like, you should do a wedding like this. But even just in what I've said earlier of like, if you're Googling ideas for a wedding and all you see. Is like this kind of one look for a wedding and this one look for how a couple should dress and present. Like it can even just sort of be a, a subtle thing. So even just like sitting with yourself and asking like. Is this really what we want? I think is really, really valuable. And if you come out on the other side, like still feeling the same, great, then you feel extra confident in like, that's super what you wanna do and run with that. And then I think there's also this aspect too that comes with trends of like, there is a tendency for like vendors and planners and friends and family, who are just kind of like, yeah, maybe they're subtly suggesting things or there're like, is still some elements there of, you know, being like, oh, well, like who is gonna like, walk down the aisle first? Or things like that. That just, it, it can create a feeling in some queer couples I think of like, well, it's just easier for us to just like, try to go with the trends, try to like stay as traditional as possible because. Depending on where you are and who you're working with, it can just feel easier to kind of go with what is normal so that you're not too like status quo. You're not too out there, you're not like, people aren't being like, oh well, like what kind of wedding is this? You know? And so just like wanting to leave space for that too, that like, I'm also not saying every couple has to go out and like. Push the envelope or whatever that weird saying is. Or like, you know, just acknowledging that it, it can actually take extra energy and like extra courage to go against the grain and like be like, no, actually we're gonna do something totally different. Like, wanting to acknowledge that that also comes with a lot. And again, like if that's. What ends up happening just to kind of like make you feel like your celebration can be relaxing then great. But at the same time, like as vendors and planners and friends and family, like just making sure that you are asking more open-ended questions and encouraging the couple to do what feels right for them. So much of this I think, goes back to like my early episodes of just like being intentional as vendors and the spaces we create and the questions we ask. Can really help queer couples feel like they don't have to go with trends or that they are free to create their own. So that is it for today all. I hope that you were able to catch my vibes on why sometimes I feel that the trends just like there's something that just like at their core feels so straight and it feels so infuriating. Both as a, a queer person. Planning her own wedding and also as a queer vendor trying to make more space. And so. I don't know. Hopefully some of you were able to relate. And again, if you are a couple that is planning or recently planned and wanna talk about your perspective on the trends, I would love to hear from you. So feel free to find me on Instagram at wildly connected photo or email me hello@wildlyconnectedphotography.com. And thank you so much everyone for tuning in. Go be gay.