Queerly Beloved
Queerly Beloved
62. Checking In + Being Excited To Shoot Gay Weddings Doesn't Make You An Ally
How is everyone holding up? This week we check in about all that's happening, learn about the lesbian flag and have a little bit of an uncomfortable conversation on something I get a little firey about. Specifically: the way some straight vendors get excited about photographing queer weddings not because they care about our community, but because it makes them look cool, inclusive, or “good.”
olive's tiktok where I learned about the lesbian flag - follow them!
Other BIPOC folks you should follow (by no means is this comprehensive, please share your favs with me on instagram!!!!)
The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic
Queerly Beloved, I'm so glad you joined!
Please keep the community going by checking me out on instagram @wildlyconnectedphoto and come say hi! I'd love to hear from you! :)
Queer beloved. Hey y'all. How we doing? How's everybody holding up? Coming into you feeling a little bit embarrassed because it's been a month, uh, since I've posted my last episode and I'm realizing that I have this really bad habit of. Always forgetting to mention that, uh, it's wedding season and that therefore means I'll be a little bit more behind than usual on my posting schedule. So sorry about that. But wedding season is indeed in full swing which is super exciting. I've already shot quite a few this year and it's just been such an honor and, and so much fun. So don't worry, I will still be posting this summer. It'll just be a little bit more delayed. But I do have some cool episodes planned for the coming weeks, so hopefully you'll stick with me and, and keep tuning in. Yeah, just also on the note of updates, yeah, what, what a wild weekend, uh, coming away from this past weekend. I know that I have listeners here in Minnesota, but kind of all over. So. If you're not familiar obviously this weekend I had so much going on, uh, with the no Kings protests going on nationwide. But also in Minnesota we had the added layer of a shooter attacking our state representatives killing two and injuring another, uh, couple. And yeah, it just, it. Has felt so heavy here. Yeah, I mean also just for context van Spelter I believe it's been revealed, but the o and his name is silent. The shooter from Minnesota lives about eight blocks away from me. And so. Yeah, it's just that extra added layer of I personally haven't seen him on our street, but my neighbors have seen him walking around our neighborhood and he is very openly anti L-G-B-T-Q and, you know, I have a, a flag in our yard and, a little queer like mat on our front step. So just thinking about that has been a little bit eerie knowing that we, I mean, I, I drive past his house pretty much every day. And yeah, just that added layer then of on Saturday there was so many cops around our house and helicopters circling around our. Around our street for hours and just super eerie. And I did go to the protest on, on Saturday as well. And you know, of course just that added extra layer of knowing that he had not yet been caught. So anyway, all that is to say like, uh, yeah, on top of that also, photographed a wedding on Friday protested Saturday, had another wedding to photograph on on Sunday with the added layer of it, like being Father's Day on Sunday and knowing that that is a little bit complicated sometimes. For myself personally, I know for many other people as well. So, yeah, it just, it's been a wild weekend, but. I'd really like to just, yeah. Focus on, yeah, the world is crazy, but they're estimating that with the nationwide protest and all the numbers combined, that this is one of, if not the biggest protest, nationwide protest that the US has seen. Don't quote me on that because that may not be the case anymore, but I was seeing some early reports coming out that that might be true. And so, if you win, awesome. Like, you know, great for showing up. I think, I think it was so important and hopefully that, you know, gives us all a little bit of hope just to see like, okay, wow, there are so many people who are. Who are in this together and who are feeling the same way I'm feeling and who are not cool with what he's doing and what's happening in our country. So in that regard, I hope that it filled you with hope and gives you energy to keep showing up. I know it's really exhausting to just like survive sometimes being in this world especially if you're here as a person of color or you're here as a queer or trans person. Like all those extra layers. Yeah, sometimes it's really hard. I actually just recently put out an Instagram. Kind of q and a too, to just learn from all of you how you are all taking care of yourselves and, and balancing sort of that, that hard balancing act of you know, needing to show up and be a part of the fight that's happening. And also recognizing like we can't be everything always and sort of finding out what. Works for us. And I think, yeah, many people just really touched on the importance of balance. Finding things that like you can invite into your daily routine, whether that's like setting up a monthly donation or doing some sort of monthly volunteering. And then in addition to finding sometimes these bigger things like showing up for protests and things like that too. So. One thing I really wanted to highlight the A CLU has been around for a long time and they're doing great work. They are continuing to fight back against Trump, and even now with the recent rulings in Tennessee that is greatly affecting folks access to gender affirming care and things like that. So I would highly recommend. Even just following along with them on social media and also consider donating to their cause. I know that that was mentioned at the, the protests this past Saturday. Just how important their work is right now. And I just, yeah, I know that not. Everybody can show up to protest. And I know not everybody has the means to donate. So it, it really is just kind of thinking about that and something I'm always thinking about too. So anyway, I know this is a really long intro but I think at this point, for those of you who have been around for a while, I can't. Not start an episode without acknowledging like, what's happening in the world, because that shapes so much of what happens in our community and it's just, it's really important to keep talking about it. And so, yeah, that's my intro for the week. I hope you all are taking care of yourselves and continuing to try to find community that you can support and also have support you in these times as well. So I don't know that there's really like a great way to transition, but I guess too, if you're new here, hello, I'm Anna you. She, her pronouns, I run wildly connected photography and I'm just super passionate about capturing and elevating queer love. So thanks so much everybody for joining today. And without further ado, we are going to jump into this episode's No, homo. Which again, if you're new it is KNOW as in no homo. Where we are on a journey to learn more about our community, our history, our roots, and our future as well. So this week I wanted to talk about the lesbian flag. And this week's no home. It was courtesy. Courtesy of Digital Olive on TikTok, who is a black queer content creator. Please follow Olive. I will link them in the show notes. And also just wanting to take this time to please, please remember to this Pride Month support and. Elevate and highlight folks of color this month and every month. Support your wedding vendors of color, support your bipoc content creators. It's just. It's always important, let me be so clear. But it's really, really important that we continue to support our Bipoc friends and neighbors in this time. So I'm gonna link some of my favorite content creators in the show notes. I highly recommend you follow and listen and learn and celebrate them. If. You are listening and you fall into that category and you wanna shout out, like, please let me know. I'd love to shout you out and highlight you. Or if you're listening and have some folks you really love, like please DM them to me at wildly connected photo on Instagram. I would also love to highlight them. So yeah, this came from. The TikTok, which once again I will link in the show notes. And yeah, basically kind of just the history of the lesbian flag, which as you all know, part of the reason I have this series is because in a lot of ways I still feel like a baby gay just because I grew up so sheltered and I didn't. Actually ended up coming out until 2021. So just like four years ago. And so there's a lot that I'm still learning. And so in my mind, I honestly didn't like, I kind of just assumed our flag has been what it's always been. But actually the original flag. Which is like a deep purple. Then there's an upside down black triangle and then like a white ax in the middle. This was created back in 1999 by a gay artist named Sean Campbell. With all of those pieces of the flag being references to important parts of Suffolk culture like one of those things being that the, the triangle is a reference to how lesbians and queers were, kind of called out during Nazi times. So I think between the fact that the flag was created by a man and some of those sort of sad or negative associations people were interested in something different. And so then in 2010, uh, Natalie McCrae created the lipstick Lesbian Pride flag which is very similar to our current pride flag, but there was like a little set of lips on one of the upper corners and since then has been found out that Natalie is associated with biphobia and transphobia, which we hate around here. And some people just didn't really love the term like lipstick, lesbian or super associate with kind of the feminine vibes that came with that. Which is kind of how we came to be with the 2018 flag that, uh, non-binary lesbian Emily Gwen created. So shout out Emily. Thanks for creating this. And then lastly there's kind of like a little breakdown of what each of the colors mean. So dark orange is gender nonconformity, coral orange is independence. Pale oranges community. White stripe is unique. Relationships to womanhood. The pinkish purple is serenity and peace. Dark purple. Pink is love and sex and the deep magenta is for femininity. So super interesting. I love learning about this kind of stuff, and I hope that you all do too. And like I said, go listen to Olive on TikTok. She uses any pronouns but is doing a really cool series on something very similar to what I'm doing. So definitely be sure to go check them out. Okay, so this week's episode, if you are following me on Instagram, you may have seen my, one of my more recent Instagram posts where I kind of talk about just some things that I've noticed over time. As being an openly gay wedding vendor and sort of going a little bit deeper than the classic, like, okay. Yeah. We know like every June, like people like roll out, roll out all their pride stuff and like people wait till June to like post the one queer wedding they did like five years ago. Like, stuff like that. You know, I kind of already talked about that a little bit in, in previous episodes, but I think just something I've noticed as a queer wedding photographer, I've seen firsthand what it looks like when vendors show up just to kind of make themselves look good and not actually support us. Yeah, I think something I've seen a lot is. Uh, photographer, I mean vendors in general, but, you know, I do talk with a lot more photographers specifically. Just'cause, you know, that's me, that's my, that's who I interact with a lot. Hearing them talk to me specifically, not even necessarily like. You know, in passing or online or whatever, but like, talking to me specifically and basically being like, oh yeah, I just wanted to let you know, like I'm, I'm shooting this gay wedding and I'm like so excited for it. Like, oh, I just can't wait to like change it up and like have something different and like, I'm really excited and I know you're probably thinking Anna, okay, what's the big deal? They're excited. Great. Like stop being petty. Move on. I hear you. But I think when you start to see this pattern developing over time, people aren't just saying like, yay, gay wedding, so fun. They are saying it in a way that's laced with them wanting to get good human points from me or for me to be like, wow, you are such a great person for being excited to shoot one gay wedding. Awesome. And I think this is, this is true for guests as well and other vendors, but yeah, even thinking about guests like them coming and saying, wow, I'm going to a gay wedding is not so cool and so progressive of me to not only get the invite to the wedding, but like to be able to show people like, wow, I have a gay friend. Like what does that say about me? And, and then obviously that's true for vendors too. Like what is this me photographing this gay wedding say about me? And so I think that's something that I picked up on over time. And again, I know you're like, okay, are you just like nitpicking things at this point? But it's like. The whole reason that I have this podcast is for us to continue to learn and grow. And because I will continue to ask us all to do better because I know we can. And if we can continue to do that for our straight counterparts, then I'm gonna ask that we do that for, for our queer community, but to also go above and beyond that. And so I really just wanted to talk about this concept that I've been picking up on. That. I think sometimes people are just like riding on the vibes of like, well, yeah, of course. Like I'm not homophobic. Like of course I ju a gay wedding. Actually I have one next month and it's the one I'm most excited about because it just will like change at my portfolio. Like the problem here is that. It centers yourself in queer weddings. Queer couples aren't props. They're not there to be content, they're not there to be diversity check boxes. And that's what it comes across as. And so. It is not about whether you can photograph a queer wedding. It's about why you want to and how you show up before, during, and after. And I felt that was really important to say because as I kind of said in my Instagram posts, which I can also link in the show notes, if you haven't yet seen it, being excited to photograph a queer wedding doesn't make you an ally, but like doing the work when no one else is watching is what really does. And I think the problem is sometimes too, is that people who are in the wedding space in particular have this really weird like. Uh, well, like I, you know, I'm like, I am in the wedding space and like all we do is talk about love and like that's what I'm here for. Like, I'm not going to like make my page into all these other things. And it's like, okay, but you don't realize that like by you taking on a queer wedding. And if you're wanting to do that in a way that is authentic and genuine and in a way that will actually support this couple, like that is unfortunately in today's day and age, inherently political. It is because even now we're living in this time where, especially for our trans brothers and sisters and siblings, like they are under constant attack. You know, there have been times throughout this year where. Threats on gay marriage have come up and we're likely to continue to come up over the next three and a half years. And so you can't just show up to a gay wedding, photograph it and be like, oh, love, but I'm not gonna do anything to support you. And being able to. Keep this marriage that you just spent, you know, probably thousands of dollars to do and, and hired me to do because I don't wanna make people uncomfortable and I don't wanna talk about it. Like those two things do not go hand in hand. You can't just like post a queer wedding at the start of pride to be like. Yes, love is love. Like hire me if you're gay wedding, I'll do it. And then never have conversations with people. Never do any of the work in terms of calling legislatures or making sure that there aren't, you know, harmful laws that are getting passed without doing anything about them. Having hard conversations with vendors who might have said something homophobic like actually. Really showing up. Like it just, it's not the vibe, sis not in 2025. Not ever, but come on now. Like, yeah, you can't just go for, go for the aesthetics. You have to really like show up for the reality of what it means. And I think like this same concept can be applied to lots of other folks too. Like, you know, photographing. Bipoc weddings and what potentially comes with that and the unique cha challenges that those couples face. Like that's real you like, you can't, I think what I'm trying to get at is that I. This is something that I've been noticing for a long time, but I think it's made itself abundantly clear over the last couple of weeks as the state of our world has just gotten increasingly more tense with so much happening with war and bills and the loss of democracy and on and on, like, and seeing so much of the wedding vendor community. Not wanna talk about it or share anything about it. And it's like homies. I don't know how to tell you that this will eventually affect you too, if you don't take the time to like have hard conversations. Like in my mind, I just feel like we are past the point of just posting pretty pictures. Like I get that, you know. When you signed up to do weddings in your head you were just like, yeah, I'm just here for like good vibes, pretty photos, you know, working on days when people's like, really people are really happy. I get it. Like, that's what you signed up for. But like the world is shifting and I feel it's our job as vendors and participants in the wedding space to shift and to grow as the world does. And I just, I really think that our wedding industry will fail or at, you know, potentially just stay very stagnant if we can't take the time to have hard conversations with our vendors. And you know, I do recognize that there are still people who, who still need to have those baseline conversations of like. You know, Hey, please don't be homophobic. Like please be doing that. That's great. But for those of us who are already there, I mean, yes, congrats, good job. You're above baseline. But then it's like, okay, how can we keep growing? And for me, that's just like, you can't just post a picture in in June. You can't just. Say that you're excited to shoot a gay wedding because it's different from what you normally do. And think that that makes you a good person and a good vendor and that that will be the thing that all of a sudden every gay person flocks you to shoot their wedding. Like you have to show up. And I think, I think part of that too can really just be like. Posting things on your feed or on your story that are good conversation starters. Like it doesn't always have to be this whole dramatic thing of like you're at a wedding and someone says something, you call them out and you have this whole fist fight about it. Or like getting into dm, someone's dms and telling them they're a terrible person. Like, no, like it honestly just is all of us collectively like asking us to do better. And yeah, I don't know. I just, I, I really have been picking up on that over the last few years and also picking up on when people just aren't saying anything. And I think that's something that like couples aren't always like privy to in the same sense that like we interacting in the wedding vendor space together. See, but like, that's even more the reason to do it. Like, just because your couples can't see you doing something, then you should go do it more. Go do it again. Go post the thing again. Have a conversation with someone again, show up to a protest again. Like that's even more the reason. So as you can probably tell, I get really fired up about this. Because I truly care about the queer community and about the couples who, who we are, you know, get to have the honor of capturing their story. And I think that doesn't come lightly. It might come with joy, but I don't think it comes lightly. And I think just also being in the interesting position that I'm in of. Just being so open about my queerness and I love that it's, I literally would never change what I'm doing or take that away from my business, but I think that also, you know, opens me up to some more interesting conversations where, yeah, it's like this vibe of people expecting me to congratulate them for being excited to shoot a gay wedding. Or just like saying weird things about gay weddings in front of me in hopes that like, I'll give them a pass or something. Like, I don't know. It, it is just been interesting, but I'm simmering down. Hopefully you caught my drift. And I'm, I'm always happy to chat more about this. I don't wanna say that like. I, I hope that what I just said doesn't, you know, tell people I'm not open to conversations. I really am. Like that's, that's why I do this podcast. I am willing to have those conversations because this isn't about canceling people. It's an invitation to do better. You don't have to be perfect. Certainly not. I know I'm not, are you kidding me? I'm the farthest thing from perfect. I know I always have so much to learn and grow. Obviously even made clear by what I'm doing with my new no homo segment. And if this made you feel uncomfortable, that's not a bad thing. Let me just say that again. If you feel uncomfortable. Sit with it. Ask what your true intentions are and if they need to shift. And if you feel defensive, ask yourself why? Like, why are you feeling if you're like upset about me saying you can't just like, be like, oh, I'm excited to shoot a gay wedding and then leave it at that. And that makes you upset. Like why is that? Is that because. You're realizing that maybe that has been you, and if so, that's okay. Like, like I said, it's an invitation. I'm not here to cancel people. I just want you to sit with it and then decide what you wanna do. And I can't tell you exactly what that looks like. I can tell you. It doesn't have to be, yeah, like some Instagram announcement or something like that. I think it could just be. Shifting how you have those conversations around queer weddings and shifting how you talk to people about them shifting how you talk to your, to your queer couples that you are serving. I don't have the exact right answer for every single person, but I just do invite you to think about it. So. That is all I have for you guys this week. Like I said, I still have more episodes coming. They'll be a little bit more sporadic over these next few months as I am in full wedding season and also planning my own wedding. But I hope you all will keep showing up. And like I said, my dms are always open. So please reach out and I hope you all have an amazing day.